LBS back--piecing--but still regret not DB

[BluWave]

I have also found that hope is not a helpful thing for myself.

I spent the first 3 months actually believing what H said to me in his emails, and it all gave me hope. Because of that, I thought we were piecing, and I did so many things that were wrong! I didn't listen to what I heard here. After decades of trusting H, I just wanted to continue to do so.

The first time I actually heard the "we're over" statement, at the same time I discovered the PA, I was absolutely devastated. It was the first time I realized it really might be true. My family couldn't understand why I suddenly got so much worse, even though they knew what had changed. They didn't understand that before that point I had so much hope.

Instead of learning acceptance and detachment in those first months, all I thought about was him and what I'd done and how I could fix things and how I could keep in contact and, and, and... I'm sure everyone knows the drill. I probably would have done all those things anyway, but I would have had my hope tempered by reality.

These days it's about grieving the marriage that is gone forever. Maybe there will be something in the future with this man, but maybe not. I have no control over that, only over myself.

Off to do some self-care!

You seem to have a very good understanding and insight into your sitch. It's impressive. You are obviously intelligent and have a lot of emotional intelligence. You also have so many talents and interests. Cake making, bee keeping, house projects, farming, I mean wow! I can tell you bring so much to the table. Man, oh man, he is truly an idiot to give this up. SMH.

When I read your thread, and how he strung you along for those first several months, it made my skin crawl! These waywards are so self-centered (or in major denial) to think the can keep their W as a plan B. However it does make me wonder if those are the ones that ultimately come back around. There is this audio online, it's a radio interview, that goes over the stages of limerance and why it only lasts a short while. See if you can find it; there are a lot nuggets in there that helped me understand what a mess my H was and to silently forgive him while he was gone. It wasn't for him, but for me, because I felt the anger was wearing me down.

So you are correct, maybe there will be something in the future for you two, and maybe there will not. In my heart I always just knew that my H would come back. He has done a lot of work and made many changes for me to even last this year. I just think for me, I could have done a lot more self-love and DB while he was gone. But hey, it's not too late for me now either. Time is still on our side. There is always more time.


-blu