Hi LiM, Thank you so much for taking time out of your life to respond to my post with such detail and thought. A couple answers... Our dynamic is such that when we have a bad escalated fight, which we actually haven't had in a while, he attempts to pull away and I keep going. Typical. This triggers his anger. Duh. He does have a super stressful job in the mental health field, and hasn't been sleeping well, and took a call from a suicidal client AFTER working 10 hours on the night of this fight. And didn't have his evening walk. Meanwhile, I too was tired and had just started with a new therapist and was emotionally raw bla bla bla. So the foundation was laid for a stressful evening from the get go. When he said in his email he is glad 'I want to be friends'I don't know what he means. Most likely some sort of relief - ah, I can just do what I want and she will still like me? Assuages his guilt for leaving? who knows. I want a H!!! you are right.
I have been so detached in my couple emails to him and we have had NO contact via phone or in person. He really has no idea how I am doing!
I know him very very well. He is protecting himself. Even in past after a normal fight, he would get in bed and hide under the covers for a while before he could come out and apologize. He assumes I will pursue and try to get him to talk about the M. Little does he know that this is not at all my intention in the short term. Codependency- I am working on this with my therapist. I am meditating. I am getting my head on straight. Yes, I know I won't change this overnight! I plan to do CODA meetings online as our town is too small. way too small. He said in email - he eventually wanted to talk about 'how to move forward'. Now for all I know he is still stuck on breaking up. Don't know. Could this mean he wants to work on the M? No idea. I doubt this will even occur to him until he is back here and sees our life here and starts to feel lonely sleeping alone every night and his defenses are down. This may take some time.
The reason for me to go to guest house is that he wakes up at 5:30 am and leaves early for work. No shower in guest house. So if I were in house he'd have to come and wake me up! I actually love it so that is not an issue for me.
I spoke with my therapist today about all this. We agreed that in past I wanted more connection all the time and my H was the one who wanted more space. If he comes back and I say I am not ready at all to talk about 'moving forward' whatever that means, and that I need more separate time and space, THAT will be a major 180! He will expect me to want to get right into it. I am just starting to get my sense of self back, and taking a 'good hard look' as you said. I am NOT ready to be put in a position to be triggered into old reactive patterns.
I want to stay focused on what I need, not what he needs. My next challenge is to decide when I feel it's ok for him to return. oh dear. This is a lot to process! I realize I can't change my history of codependent behaviors in 3 weeks! Boundaries? What boundaries! Just telling him last Sunday that I was not ready for him to come back was a BIG deal for me!!!!! yeah! I am willing to be very patient! Thank you for your help!!!!!
