Have you tried googling about "steps to emotional detaching"? Some places have a lot of explanations of what detaching is and why it is important, but there are a few that give you steps. I think that is what you were seeking.
As an outsider, I see a lot of anger and frustration over the things you want to control and can't. It acts as a hook that pulls at you.
As unfair as all of this has been for you, I think you are going to have to accept the things you can't change or control. It doesn't mean you have to love it, but it is what it is and you can get mad enough to have a heart attack and it won't solve anything for you. I know, it's easy for this ole former WW to say, and much harder to actually do it.
I would hate to see you live the rest of your life in bitterness and hatred over something that your W has done to you. I've seen a lot of people do that very thing, b/c they would not go of it. Don't let her rob your peace and happiness. Let her go. Let go of this mess and stop trying to force her to do what you want.
She is moving out Saturday, and she is in the process of divorcing you. Why are you still trying to control her contacting OM? You can tell her you have a "boundary", but what the heck does she care if it crosses your boundary? What are you going to do if she contacts OM? At this point, what could you possibly give as a consequence for her not honoring your boundary that would matter to her? Let go of the control!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
