LBS back--piecing--but still regret not DB

[Phoebe]

I have also found that hope is not a helpful thing for myself.

I spent the first 3 months actually believing what H said to me in his emails, and it all gave me hope. Because of that, I thought we were piecing, and I did so many things that were wrong! I didn't listen to what I heard here. After decades of trusting H, I just wanted to continue to do so.

The first time I actually heard the "we're over" statement, at the same time I discovered the PA, I was absolutely devastated. It was the first time I realized it really might be true. My family couldn't understand why I suddenly got so much worse, even though they knew what had changed. They didn't understand that before that point I had so much hope.

Instead of learning acceptance and detachment in those first months, all I thought about was him and what I'd done and how I could fix things and how I could keep in contact and, and, and... I'm sure everyone knows the drill. I probably would have done all those things anyway, but I would have had my hope tempered by reality.

These days it's about grieving the marriage that is gone forever. Maybe there will be something in the future with this man, but maybe not. I have no control over that, only over myself.

Off to do some self-care!