Cil, you are right on! When we continue to have hope for the R, we continue to focus on them. The principles of DB are to take the focus off of them, detach, and GAL.
If we can succeed at DB and then they come back, we are more centered and self-assured to enter the difficult stages of piecing. If they never return to the R, we are confident enough to recognize that we deserve better. The end result is that we hope to be a healthier and happier person in general, independent of our Rs. If we can successfully DB, we can learn that it is a way of life and that we can have healthy attachments with those we love and eliminate codependency.
When we fall victim to others we do ourselves a disservice, because we dis-empower ourselves to take control of our life. When we are a victim to others, we remain stuck in a place of self pity and sadness. I think it's more productive to accept our reality, feel the sadness of the situation, and give ourselves permission to let go of it and move forward. One step at a time.
That being said I blew it ALL THE TIME. When H was gone, I would get so upset, beg/cry, lash out, and other times ignore. All the best advice felt impossible to apply when I was knee deep in fear and crisis. So forgiveness is key. We are all human, we all lost it sometimes, but we can control how much we punish ourselves afterwards. And in some of those moments--when I lose all control and really let him have it--I got through to him and left him with a lot to think about.
Keep on keeping on. -Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
