More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[SH_]

Hey Phoebe!

You are not disappointing anyone. You are getting support from those that see the small steps to getting you back on track. I know the challenge as you and I have cheered each other on as our mental and physical beings are taking on actions of there own. The advice for eating, resting and mental excercises will help us heal. I know you know that and I know you are giving everything you got, but the challenge remains.

Let's look at like like physical therapy for an accident victim that may have lost the use of their legs. The physical therapy is extremely painful and feels almost impossible to do and it is easier to not give to much effort or feel badly when we can't get through the session. But the only one we are disappointing is ourselves if we do not get back up and try.

You have given so much through all of this, and you are being cheered on by the support group of lawyers, therapists,friends and family. But use their feedback and advice to fire yourself up to do the difficult things, because you know in your heart it will only make you stronger.

Find that white anger that V always talks about and that will drive you more than feelings of guilt for disappointing someone because you have not followed through on what they ask of you.

I have you in my prayers, I know first hand some of what you are going through and I still have a lump from the 2x4 you gave me, so I want to return the favor

Finish this day strong with some nourishment ,exercise, meditation, and find something to give you a good laugh.

Some rainbow hugs for you as well as I know those always give me a little boost and I want you to feel the same boost to do what will heal you.
((((Phoebe))))

[Painter]

Phoebe, I didn't want to say anything about it not lasting when you posted about your really good day, but the important thing is that you now know you can feel that way and you will again. This is temporary. I remember when my son was a baby and screamed at night, I was walking up and down the floor with him for what seemed like hours, and kept saying 'It's not going to be like this when he's 18, it's not going to be like this when he's 18'.

Have you checked about getting a massage (or five)? Also, I wouldn't do Carnation - I'd go for chocolate ice cream. Smoothies are also great, you can stuff a lot of nutrition in a very tasty drink. And add chocolate ice cream.

I'm glad you got good and useful information from the L. Does this mean you may file? That's a big decision. It's so difficult, because you should protect yourself financially, but for us LBS's, it feels like such an emotional decision and message, as well... I know it was so hard for me to even consider moving forward, because I felt like it made me responsible for ending the M. But it doesn't, the WAS ended the M when they left for the OP.

[Phoebe]

Hey Painter and SadHub. I know I sounded kind of glum earlier, but I really did mean it when I said that I am feeling better mentally. Overall, I am still waaaaay better than last week. The shaking is ongoing, but I'm feeling better in my head, or at least I am most of the time. Sad moments happen, of course, but they also pass more quickly. Still just letting myself feel it, acknowledging that it is real and for a reason, and then I let it pass on its own. So far, that approach is helping me tremendously.

I just don't like disappointing people, particularly those I like. It's not a huge deal, just a feeling I get sometimes.

I'm still smiling and pleased this evening. Honest. Why, you ask? Another job well done hereabouts!!! I just sent the scrap guy off with a bunch of goodies, and I have scored a new clean space on my property where an ugly mess once stood. In a couple more days he and I are going to pull out about 400 feet of heavy (think 1" diameter) aluminum wire from an in-groud conduit, and I will have yet another mess out of my life. Wahoo!!! Stuff like that makes me feel like I'm really getting something accomplished, in this case healing my land, and that, in turn, makes me happy.

Plus, I get the extra bonus of actual interaction with a fellow human being. Also a good thing.

I haven't yet decided if/when I will file. I know I should, but I guess i'm not quite there yet. You are right, Painter - it really does feel like such a message. In my brain I am still standing. Still have to meet with a L in the other state on Friday, and gather more information. Why decide now, when I can procrastinate?

I didn't end up walking because my friend bowed out at just about the same time the scrap dude showed up, so it worked out just fine. I was still occupied and interacting with someone.

Off for my daily evening commute!

[SH_]

Very nice Phoebe. It is good to hear that you are feeling better mentally.
I so am going to try your technique for accepting it and letting it pass through. In all the glory that is my stubbornness I try to fight it and hold it back, but that's not working out so well.

I love hearing that you are smiling and feeling a sense of accomplishment. That really does the soul good and it also starts sending those positive chemicals rushing through your body and in good time can off set the not so good ones that have us all in a tizzy.

It is great to hear that you are plugging along and on an upward swing even with some challenging decisions and actions coming up.

Have a wonderful night and keep that smile on your face.

[BluWave]

Phoebe, I am certain that you have not disappointed anyone! Your motivation, courage, and transparency during this chaos H has created, is truly admirable. I love reading about what you are up to and how you are finding PMA in your day to day accomplishments.

I think the anxiety, lack of sleep, weight loss, and SSRIs, are a recipe for shakiness. I am glad your therapist it attuned to this and expressing concern. It is difficult to function with the chronic stress, fight-or-flight, hormones pumping through your system! Physical stress and hunger alone can keep you up all night, not to mention your anxiety and mind racing. So meditation and mind calming exercises are great. There are lots of aps you can put on your phone with guided relaxation exercises.

The weight thing and how people react never ceases to amaze me! I am a normal sized person and so during my crisis, when I lost over 30 pounds, it was so obvious. I was quite underweight and thus had even more trouble sleeping. I felt and probably looked terrible most days. I couldn't go to work without several people commenting each day on "wow, how did you lose so much weight?" or "You look great!" ... I have heard of cancer patients reporting the same thing. That is what we value in our culture--underweight & ill appearing. What a shame. Sigh.

So I am glad you are embracing your new look. Now that H has been back a year, I have gained all my weight back. Would have been nice to keep some of it off. Just a little ...

-Blu

[Phoebe]

Another pretty good day today. Haven't heard from H at all since his last wierd reply to me last week, so I've been totally dark. Honestly, the less I hear from him the better I am able to focus on getting myself into a better place, mentally, because I'm thinking about him so much less. I really did need the break and wish I'd just had the guts to do it sooner, like immediately after the PA came to light.

I've had a lot less shaking for the last two days, and all because the dose of my Beta-blocker is now doubled and I'm taking it in the morning. Beta-blockers work by blocking (!) the fight or flight hormone, epinephrine. For two days it's down to a minor tremor, and I can live with that.

I did some nice GAL stuff today. I saw a movie with my friend and her step mother, I got that birthday cake frosted and delivered. It was from scratch and turned out really well. Then I spent a few hours seeing with my mom, which I always enjoy - girls night!

Hope everyone had a good day.

[Phoebe]

Sewing with my mom. Not seeing. Oops.

[Painter]

Sounds like you had another good day!

I agree with you, the less interaction I have with H, the better I feel - although I hate not having interaction. Contact is like fast food, it has an enticing smell and it tastes good just at the moment, but afterwards I feel sick. I got an e-mail from him this morning, just brief business, but it triggered so much sadness and tonight I've been crying several times.

I'm glad changing the betablockers helped, did they tell you to make sure you drink water even if you're not thirsty? It also blocks the thirst to a degree, I was informed. I can't take them anymore, they either made my blood pressure too low (especially when I didn't drink enough water!) or my chest started to hurt really bad about 20 minutes after I took them.

Son and I watched a funny series on Netflix tonight, it's called Documentary Now! and is a series of mockumentaries created by some of the SNL crew. They were absolutely hilarious!

Tomorrow, we plan on watching The Hundred-Foot Journey with Helen Mirren, a friend recommended it. Which movie did you see?

[SH_]

Good morning Phoebe,

It is good to hear that you have gotten the shakiness down. That does wonders for the physical and mental well being I imagine. I need to keep trying to figure that out. That and how to get a good nights rest.

I wanted to let you know that we read the first chapter of our meditation book and practiced 1 minute meditation by focusing on our breath. When other thoughts passed into our minds we were to acknowledge them and the let the " evaporate".
Not fight them nor dwell on them. I did alright for a minute and had to continually try this throughout the night.

I hope you have a wonderful day and I will keep you updated tonight on the meditation challenge day 2.

[Cherry]

The shakiness I find, is often due to the lack of eating. It is so hard, as you know- I've found eating a bit of a chore so glad to hear you are tackling that. And I'm sure it will help you get strength- especially as you do a lot of manual work.

Glad to hear you are really taking charge- surround yourself with good people that love you and look after your help!

Hope you have a great day planned in