OFP

[OFP]

I have a couple of comments, I hope you will consider them...I don't need an answer, I would like you to at least think about them.

OFP, I hope you understood my context. Your wife has her issues. Yes. IMHO, there is little you could have done to help her with her past, really all you would have been doing is further enabling her from facing her past. You didn't have the tools for that. it doesn't mean you can't learn these tools.

THAT does no alleviate you from facing your part in the struggles and the failing of the marriage. You were not a perfect husband...although I know you thought you gave all you could. Just reading some of your comments, there is much to learn about compassion, loving someone despite themselves, and true understanding. There were behaviors that you can look at and correct. Even if you and your wife never get back together...you have the need to learn better communication skills, learn about resentment and how to avoid it, learn about gratitude, true forgiveness, self-love, fostering your partners freedom to choose and to live their own life, giving without expectations and absolute appreciation (there are plenty of other topics, so I hope you get my point).

Your point is valid, I have no fear of being challenged, in fact I appreciate it. My post was biased in a specific direction. I went through 4 months of hell trying to find my issues, even my IC was discouraging me from these self-defeating thoughts. I researched what could have effected her perspective, be it depression, MLC, etc. (which lead here of course). At times the self-reflection on top of the grieving process is overwhelming.

I guarantee you I was not a perfect husband. I know I did not possess the proper tools. But I also know I gave it everything I had, and I honestly believe that I treated my W well. I also didn't understand her unhappiness or how I could have dealt with it any differently. I honestly had no perception of what depression could be like... Until now! I now have an appreciation of it.

As she was on the way out, which granted was a bit late, we were discussing this, and I told her we had a loop in our communication that prevented healthy communication, and that we should get a MC involved to help us with it. She wasn't interested, yet again, because she was afraid I would manipulate the counselor into taking my side. I told her if that happened we could find a different counselor. I later learned this is part of the victim mentality, her fear of someone else appointing any blame to her would validate it, and she couldn't have that. She also said she refused to discuss her past, and the MC would probably want to. 2 days later, I was researching for a MC anyway, I wanted to find the issue. I never denied an issue that she pointed out that concerned her. I made steps at the time to try to change my approach. I cared about her and how she felt, though Indidnt always agree with it.

Ironically, the same day I was looking for a MC, she was filling out the OFP!!

I am not sure the thought behind this passage. I will say one thing though, I hope you can consider where those thought are coming from. Punishment Should not be a goal in any kind of relationship. It will not help you move on or to become the best man you want to be. I have read countless postings from folks (not just on this board) where one or the other utilized some form of revenge to alleviate pain or hurt...it will not help. If you ever loved this woman as you say, how could you say that is what you truly want to do...to punish her, to hurt her as you've been hurt.

Valid point again... my first sentence was a question, because that is the question I ask myself. Depending on my mood/stage, I want her back because I miss her, or I want our family back together, or frustrated at the pain she has caused me and my children for what appears to be selfish motives. She's out having the time of her life while the kids and I suffer.

[/quote=zephyr]Maybe I am being too judgmental, or read into the paragraph differently than you intended...IDK, maybe I don't truly know your pain, so forgive me if I am off base and misunderstood. I realize you are an I had thought that making yourself whole is what you are striving for, so learning how to forgive in the face of hurt, and letting go of that resentment is a damned good place to start. [/quote]

Another good point, and something I haven't stated for you to know otherwise. I spent a serious amount of time on self-blame, and a lot of time researching what may have caused this in the first place... Which lead to a lot of feeling of forgiveness. I honestly am not upset she filed the OFP. I do not admit to deserving it, I do admit that it was her perspective. I do feel her perspective was not reflective of reality, or underlying issues from her past biased her perspective.

I totally understand that anger and resentment is not healthy. And for the most part I have steered clear of it.

Not having resentment about an A... Not sure I'll ever get there. That is my boundary. If she did/is, says nothing about who I am, it says a lot about who she is, and if that is the decision she made, I no longer have an interest in her as a person, regardless of the darkness in her life or what may have caused it or any other excuses may come up.