First off I want to say I've been reading many of the threads and links on this helpful forum my prayers to all who are suffering the pain of a broken marriage, may you all find comfort and strength in your journey.
My story is a bit different but also very much the same. My wife left the marriage, so I guess that makes me a LBH. We have 1 child together a S 12 yrs of age and she has 3 kids from a previous marriage S20 D17 S15. We were married 12 yrs together 14. She announced the BD on Feb. 23 of this year and moved to an apartment Mar. 3rd, and filed for divorce.
At first things were very typical of a WAW, she had a lot of resentment and anger and communication was difficult. After the BD I didn't do much begging and pleading i did try to attempt to get us into MC but I realized quickly she was at a point where she was past trying to save the marriage and just wanted out. She told me she had to completely shut herself off in terms of her feelings towards me. The years of struggle took its toll.
I accept my role in the breakdown of the marriage, I had become distant and critical. I didn't love her as I should and I had a lot of frustration that she caught the brunt of. Her 1st husband was a large issue in our marriage. He was not a good person and she did not have a relationship with him due to the fact he was a deadbeat Dad and not very involved in his kids life. Because of this I took on the role of financial provider for everyone and while I make a good living it added up over the years. Going from a single man living the good life to shouldering the responsibilty wore on me and us over the years. I always did my best to provide for us all but at times I just didn't have anything to give yet there was always more that was needed. This led to fights and me saying things I wish I could take back. I made her feel like my first goal was to take care of our Son so in turn it looked like I cared more about him then all of them.
Her BD was proceeded by our D moving to her Sisters a month earlier after a disagreement we had. Typical stuff between a parent and a 17 yr old girl but I think it gave her the impetus to show her if D could leave so could she if she was unhappy.
Our birth Son is a special needs child he is a type 1 diabetic, diagnosed a little over 2 years ago. This requires a lot of effort and constant monitoring of his condition. Our temporary parenting plan has him staying 2 -3 nights a week with me and the rest with her so communication is constant between us mostly via texts. He is also and exceptional athlete who travels across the state and country for various competitions. We both get a great deal of pleasure from seeing him compete so we see each other often at these events.
Lately the dynamic between us shifted slightly, I have stopped trying to explain my side of things and just listen and validate when we do discuss some of the more in depth topics of our situation. Her resentment has seemed to lessen somewhat but the D proceedings still continue.
I initially thought most of the problem was her feeling of not being loved or being criticized or the arguing was what wore her down and brought her to the point of this decision but I am beginning to realize now that she also has a lot of guilt over her feeling she allowed me to put our child needs ahead of the other kids. I disagree with this sentiment but it's how she feels so I do not argue. I may have verbally at heated times validated those feelings but my actions of providing everything for them always superceeded my words but still words hurt.
I have no idea at this point if the marriage is salvageable, I hope and pray it is but I have my doubts. I love my wife dearly and all our kids but if she truley feels I hurt her kids somehow I dont see how I can ever regain her trust. A mothers love is a mothers love.
We are both in IC and so are 2 of the children and it has helped to some degree. I don't know where to go from here though, I dont know how nor am I equipped to figure out how to fight for reconciliation alone but I wont give up.
That is my story, I'm glad I got to share. Good luck to us all
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you cadet I have ordered the divorce remedy it should arrive this week. Look forward to hearing some of the members comments on my situation and hope to contribute positively when possible
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
WSB, again a common thread running through so many of the people here. Read all of Cadet's homework, and Sandi's thoughts on the WW and WAW. Then read them again. It's hard to absorb all this info, and so much of it seems counterintuitive.
Keep posting, putting it out there. Start looking forward. It's part of the process. Good luck.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
Your marriage is definitely salvageable, especially if you have hope. You are so smart to recognize that her perception of what has happened in the past is her current reality. Focus on being the best husband, father, and WSB that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
RE:1313 I have read many of the homework threads and Sandi's rules, very helpful and informative. A lot to take in and it will require many reads to keep them fresh in mind when things are not going well or when we are just down. Prayer helps as well although I have always struggled with my faith but I lean on it now more than ever.
Today was one of those tough days when trying to create space between myself and W. As I mentioned in my original post our S12 is a Type1 diabetic and 4 times a year he has to go see his specialist. This is something both of us need to attend so it's a 3hr round trip car ride with the 3 of us.
As I also said my W and I are communicating very well when we do these days but I so would like to create that distance over a period of time and also dont want my S to see us together like that. I think its just hard for him.
Everything went well, conversation was good not just small talk. We all laughed at times, when my S napped the conversation was meaningful. I know none of that means anything now as she is set on her decision and I dont ever question it or bring it up but its hard to accept it's not what it should be.
I am committed to being patient and letting her let me know, if she ever will, that maybe her thought process has changed. I just have to continue to detach and validate when possible. I miss her and the kids so much but I do not let it show. I will continue to GAL and not obsess over every conversation and look she gives. I know I need to just work on me for now and hopefully some day the tide will turn
I believe marriage is sacred, marriage is permanent, even if there is no happy ending for us, I will not regret the stance I have taken. I will know that I made the right decision and followed the only course possible for me. I will have done all that I could and in the end, hopefully that will be enough. At least that's what I keep telling myself :-)
Thanks for listening and thanks for all the thoughtful comments.
Had a rough night last night. I mentioned that my S12 I think has a tough time when he sees his mother and I together and getting along it confuses him and probably makes him question why the family is fractured.
After our day yesterday to visit the hospital he spent the night at her apartment but had a meltdown. He wanted to leave and come to my house. My W texted me about this just to let me know but my S called me soon after hysterical, in tears wanting to know why he cant be with me more. His Mom is a great Mom, she adores her kids and loves them very much but right now he feels like an outsider there. As I mentioned her D17 and I have had our problems and she is still angry at me. I think he picks up on that and feels very protective of me.
Our temporary parenting plan lays out our time together with our S and I know I have to abide by it but when I hear the pain is his voice I want to come to his rescue.
This D is taking it's toll on my S, I want to discuss this with my W but I know at this point it's futile, once she gets something in her mind there's no changing course and I know she believes she needs to devote time to making the other kids feel loved as she feels somehow during the M she may have neglected them a bit and blames me for that.
Anyway I have IC today and I hope to get something productive from it. On with the struggle and I will continue to apply the lessons learned from this forum.
