Who am I and what do I want?

[JGuy]

Folks, my M is over. I am not cheating on anyone. Cheating implies betrayal but I have been 100% transparent and honest with my STBXW about everything with the OW. We have her blessing and she and her OM have mine. It is beautiful when it can end this way and I am very grateful. I wish that my STBXW had been honest from the beginning too, but I accept that she had to learn this with me. It is what it is. I hope for her sake that she never has to repeat the mistake of betraying someone she loves again. By changing her ways and choosing to live with honesty from now on, she will be honoring me and the pain that I had to go through, and I will feel at peace that going through this difficult time was at least a gift to her.

I am not blaming all the MR problems on my W. She definitely had some issues but so did I. Just because I point out some of her issues doesn't mean I'm ignoring mine. But here's the thing I realized in February that was really liberating for me: Just because the M did not work out does not mean that either of us are to blame, necessarily. Sometimes, even when you are a good person and you learn everything you were meant to learn from a relationship's problems, it still doesn't work out. That doesn't have to be seen as a tragedy. Coming to a clear understanding about the mismatch is a great victory, especially when everyone can drop the blame and see it as just a simple mismatch which was nobody's fault. If anything, it is just a lack of self-awareness that led to choosing the wrong partner.

My son is doing great. He is not confused as I have kept him informed appropriately. He already knows the OW well because her daughter is in my son's grade 1 class and they have frequent play dates together. My son likes her a lot. I am already close to her daughter too. I had a talk with my son the other day before the OW came over to visit, because I didn't want him to be confused. I started the conversation by asking my son how he is doing with his girlfriend (they are ADORABLE). We talked a bit about love. Then I reminded him of what he already knew, that his mother and I were not feeling the same way that we used to about each other. I told him that I think there might be someone new who I am starting to feel love for. I asked if he could guess who it is. He immediately guessed correctly. It surprised me because the OW and I had never shown any affection to each other at all. He is an intuitive little guy, my son. Kids know and you can't hide things from them. This is exactly why I feel it's better to talk, so that what they are feeling aligns with what the grown-ups are saying. When I told him it was true, he immediately lit up with excitement and said "does that mean I get to have two mommies?". I said "well, not yet, but maybe someday.". Then he said "I really want to have a baby brother or sister. Are you and the OW going to have a baby?". I asked him if he liked the OW. He said "yes, she is very agreeable". So, I think everything is going to be fine with my son. I'm still concerned about making sure that things go smoothly for him when my STBXW finally moves out, but I'm confident that with all the love and harmony, it will be fine.

When my parents divorced, they did it very harmoniously and they put me and my sister first. It was all very smooth and I never had any difficult feelings about it at all. I was glad when my parents divorced because I knew they weren't happy together. They both found new partners that they were happy with, and who I really liked and am still very close to. I was excited by all the positive change and the new mixed families. Both of my parents were successful and happy with their new partners to this day. 28 years and counting! So what I'm saying is that I had a positive example to follow in how to divorce harmoniously. I am a living example of the fact that divorce does not need to be a terrible and traumatic thing for the children involved.

I know that this reply sounds like I am just continuing to justify my actions and remain in the fog to those of you who choose to see things that way. I'll be honest that it is annoying to feel like I am not seen clearly, but I accept that others won't always see me clearly. Especially if they are attached to the belief that it MUST be possible to save any M and that the failure to do so automatically means that someone is not facing up to their issues. It was when I decided to drop that belief that I started to feel much better and find my way out of limbo hell. My STBXW has issues, and so do I, but independent of that is the truth that we simply aren't a good match for each other. If you really don't believe me on that, then go back and read my previous posts where I went through a long period of uncertainty, mulling over those differences not knowing whether I was missing something. I gradually got more and more clarity. Getting to that certainty about our mismatch was very liberating as it also allowed me to forgive her much more easily. I'm glad that I got to that point BEFORE any new R started with the OW. That gives me some peace of mind to know that my perception was not colored by the infatuation with the OW. Now that I'm getting closer to the OW, however, I must say that this is definitely the right outcome. Having someone compatible and who wants the same things makes all the difference in the world. I'm sure we'll have different challenges surface if our R continues long term, but we have a very solid friendship with good communication as a basis.

If there's one bit of feedback I would offer to the people on this forum, it's to keep an open mind when commenting on other people's threads. When giving advice, you really never know the full picture of what's going on for them. It may sound like they are in the fog of denial and just want to believe what makes them feel good at a given moment, but be careful. This may or may not be the case. You never really can know what the right outcome is for a given sitch, and it's not really about the outcome anyways. It's about the process. There's something important to be honored about each person's autonomy in coming to their own decisions through their own process. By going tough on people and telling them that they are in the fog, not taking responsibility for their side of the R problems, etc. you really do run the risk that you might be harming their already weakened self-esteem at a very difficult point in their life. That is the effect that some of you (but not all of you) have had on me over the past 6 months. I have felt at many times like I was on my own in terms of reassuring myself that I am a good person and that I am not somehow deficient. I suppose I needed all of you challenging me to give me the chance to stand up for myself against what many of you were saying. So for that opportunity, as unpleasant as it was, I thank you. I feel stronger in my sense of personal truth as a result. I suppose I would not have gained that otherwise.