More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi guys! Thanks for the encouragement.

Well.... that wasn't a whole lot of fun, but it wasn't awful, either. Possibly the most uncomfortable part of the meeting with the L was him asking me, literally within minutes of meeting me, if I had seen a therapist to help me with my pain. Ugh. Very disempowering, and then he told me I needed to speak up. I've heard that for my entire life. Double Ugh.

Anyway, I learned a lot, and that was why I went there. We talked a lot about the issue of jurisdiction, spousal support, asset distribution, the usual stuff. He said that mine is one of the few cases where it might actually make a difference who files first, simply because it will likely proceed in whichever state the suit is initiated in. That matters in my case due to the support issue, as that varies between states. Not that I couldn't survive without it, but I'd rather have it, considering the way I feel. I certainly know I'm not fit to work full time right now! The hand shaking is getting worse, so I can't imagine doing the work I am licensed to do, even while the rest of me seems to be doing better. Strange, but there it is.

So my therapist has now asked me to do twice daily meditation/relaxation for 15-20 minutes. He actually suggested it already, but I didn't do it, and now he pretty much insists. Sooo... he guided me through a 12 minute round of muscle-guided relaxation in-office, and I'll do it on my own from now on, or something like it.

He's not happy about the shaking or the weight loss, so he says I need to find a way to calm myself and now he's also on me about eating more. If there's one thing I have never liked in this world, it's the feeling that I am disappointing someone, and I guess I feel that way right now. I'm sure he doesn't want me to think I've disappointed him, but I guess I do. Another person telling me I need to take better care of myself.

I. AM. TRYING.

So, I'm sitting here drinking a Carnation instant breakfast kind of concoction made with buttermilk. Mmmmm... the tartness of the buttermilk cuts the sicky sweetness of the Carnation, and the end result is a bit like chocolate-flavored kefir. Not too awful, I guess, but not so great, either. It's calories, I guess, but it's not an experiment I want to repeat. Had to pitch the last third of it. Blech.

Now I am going to go for a walk. It's cloudy and a chilly and a bit drizzly, but it's always good to be outdoors.