I have a couple of comments, I hope you will consider them...I don't need an answer, I would like you to at least think about them.
Originally Posted By: OFP
I know I am not exactly answering your question here... but the biggest thing I needed to stop, was blaming myself. At first I thought for sure I drove W away. I knew something wasn't right with W, and made excuses for W every day... but I kept thinking "if only I had done this different, or that different... maybe she wouldn't have left?" It helped nothing, it didn't bring her back, it didn't make me feel better. The more I thought about it, the more input I got from others, everyone else was able to see that "I" did not cause this. As Zephyr said above, no matter what I had done it would never have been enough. WOW does that take away the self-destructive thoughts. Prior to that I felt like I am a worthless human and need to fix everything about myself, and become a totally different person to be lovable.?
OFP, I hope you understood my context. Your wife has her issues. Yes. IMHO, there is little you could have done to help her with her past, really all you would have been doing is further enabling her from facing her past. You didn't have the tools for that. it doesn't mean you can't learn these tools.
THAT does no alleviate you from facing your part in the struggles and the failing of the marriage. You were not a perfect husband...although I know you thought you gave all you could. Just reading some of your comments, there is much to learn about compassion, loving someone despite themselves, and true understanding. There were behaviors that you can look at and correct. Even if you and your wife never get back together...you have the need to learn better communication skills, learn about resentment and how to avoid it, learn about gratitude, true forgiveness, self-love, fostering your partners freedom to choose and to live their own life, giving without expectations and absolute appreciation (there are plenty of other topics, so I hope you get my point).
Originally Posted By: OFP
And like I posted in bluwave's thread, do I want her to come crawling back only for revenge reasons? So she can become the LBS and feel the pain she caused me? To keep the kids from her for a while so she can see what it is like? Have her come back and be a slave while I go out and GAL for a while?
I am not sure the thought behind this passage. I will say one thing though, I hope you can consider where those thought are coming from. Punishment Should not be a goal in any kind of relationship. It will not help you move on or to become the best man you want to be. I have read countless postings from folks (not just on this board) where one or the other utilized some form of revenge to alleviate pain or hurt...it will not help. If you ever loved this woman as you say, how could you say that is what you truly want to do...to punish her, to hurt her as you've been hurt.
Maybe I am being too judgmental, or read into the paragraph differently than you intended...IDK, maybe I don't truly know your pain, so forgive me if I am off base and misunderstood. I realize you are an I had thought that making yourself whole is what you are striving for, so learning how to forgive in the face of hurt, and letting go of that resentment is a damned good place to start.
