Originally Posted By: JGuy

Justifying your actions
Not everyone will always agree with my choices. Especially when their belief systems differ from mine...... Admittedly, I am not the most disciplined person. I can't imagine myself having the ability to say no to it at this time solely on the basis of it being "too soon"...... I'm an impatient, impulsive, risk-taking Aries.

Saying "I tried everything I could."
To be clear about timing, I removed my ring to signify outwardly that it was over for me on March 27th. This was the no turning back point for me. Inwardly, I had begun the process of grieving the loss of the M back around January 1st, but chose not to burn any bridges just in case there was some miraculous way that the M might be saved...... I tried for years to teach my SBTXW what I needed, but she just didn't have an appetite for the kind of R I wanted. I always thought the problem was that I wasn't being clear or convincing enough, but really, the problem lied in my unwillingness to accept that my STBXW was simply not interested to grow or change in the ways that would have been necessary.

Saying OP is a better "fit".
But there's also truth to the fact that in addition to dealing with one's own issues, it's important to find a partner who is compatible...... The OW and I are way, way more compatible in all the ways that my STBXW and I were not. We have the same interests and tastes in a lot of things. We have the same vision of what we want in a R. We are able to communicate and make agreements, set boundaries, and respect each other by being forthcoming and truthful. The OW has a very different personality than that of my STBXW. She knows herself and what she wants very clearly and she doesn't hesitate to speak up immediately when something feels off...... If my STBXW was more honest from the beginning, instead of always avoiding conflict, then I think we probably would have figured out this incompatibility much sooner.

Rewriting history
My STBXW and I were really incompatible in a lot of ways that started to become very clear to me around mid-February...... It is a bit intimidating but also very refreshing. My STBXW calibrated me... it's clear that I really need a woman who can speak up for herself and who is fearlessly true to herself. It's humbling, hard on my ego, but I must admit, probably very good for me...... I felt like I was robbed of the information I needed to make sense of what was wrong in our R. I felt robbed of my freedom to respond and do the right thing, which would have been trying to work things out and ultimately letting her go much sooner. It felt as though these years of my life were wasted unnecessarily by her unilateral choice to leave me in the dark.


I'll bet theres more than one woman on the board now who would read your words above and think that they came directly from their WH.

To me, it feels like since your W cheated first, youre "allowed" to take this step. I dont believe "fundamentally incompatible people" stay together for 10 years.

This is ONLY my opinion: It reads like you were hurt by W, and OW is helping you to feel better. She's providing all of the validation that you crave and require. This post is you justifying to everyone why you think that chasing after OW is healthy. There is very little difference to me between what you are doing now and what your W did months ago. But again, thats only my opinion.