Don't stress/worry about that for the moment.Cross that bridge when /IF it arises.
I would not be blunt. You can say no and you can leave it at that. Or say something to the effect that it is not a good idea or that you prefer not to, but as I said you don't need to explain yourself.
I'll admit I have not caught up on your thread in a while but when I get a chance I'll post again.
Congratulations on the renewed feelings of self worth. That is great. Keep going
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I don't know if it's because I've been thinking about these things, trying to find answers (and answers to questions that aren't even founded in reality at that!) but I've felt really, really tired and drained today.
Clearly that kind of speculation doesn't do me any good.
I think it may be the finality of it all. I'm not sure of much anymore and question the devil out of everything now. It's very hard now, especially after coming to the realization that she hid so many things from me. I think the worst of it all was not informing me of her very abusive past (from age 4 to adult) until after BD. I can't see how for 10 years she never told me of it yet expected me to know her and what drives her actions. I'm going to be honest and say I feel like our marriage was nothing but a fraud...
Jeep, I'm not sure if you're still reading. And maybe you already know what I'm going to say. Apologies if you already do.
There are various levels of consciousness with something that traumatic. And with various levels of consciousness comes different levels of thoughts, feelings and reactions. A bit like peeling the layers of an onion, if you like.
The path is not linear either. And won't conform to a timescale. Any part of the path can take any length of time. It just depends on what the person is able to deal with and what comes up in their life to force them to deal with it.
Some people run and hide from it, some people face it full on, and some people do a mix of running and facing up to it. It comes down to personality, what support the person has or might have...and lots more.
Apologies in advance if you're already more than aware of all of this.
There can be no awareness at all of what happened, but the trauma comes out in ways like chronic illnesses etc. There can be a gut feeling awareness without it being attached to a train of thought. There can be a gut feeling and a train of thought without it being attached to articulated words. There can be gut feeling, a train of thought and articulated words too.
These things all sound so easy and simple to do for any of us, so straight forward. We do these things, we engage in this process all the time with our experiences, thoughts and feelings. But for many survivors of trauma each of these various aspects can be utterly overwhelming.
I believe there is research saying that in an overwhelmingly traumatic event there are parts of your brain that shut down as well. And some of those parts are to do with speech, which may be one of the reasons that trauma survivors find it so difficult to articulate in words what happened to them. I don't know, I think I remember reading that somewhere.
Anyway, I don't know if any of that helps, or sheds any new light on what you've been through. Take care.
So, yesterday...weird. I had barely any sleep the night before (chronic insomnia I've had for years. It's quite bad at the moment).
Anyway, when I woke up yesterday morning I felt really low. I hadn't had much sleep and I was dreading having to face the day because of it.
But I got up, washed, and put some house clothes on. I did some tidying up (part of the major tidying up I've been doing over th past few months). Put together another carrier bag of clothes for the charity shop. I think I've taken 5 or 6 carrier bags of clothes along to the charity shop now? I can't remember. Threw some things out too.
I still have more to sort. I'm going through my entire wardrobe, bit by bit...and I have *a lot* of clothes.
It was really, really difficult at first, almost physically painful at first, but it's getting easier.
I also listed to some podcasts about minimalism as I was doing this. Big chunky, one hour podcasts, as I was busy sorting. Now, I'm in no way a minimalist (lol!), but there's nothing to say I can't take on board some of what they say about the link between material possessions and states of mind, and about learning to let go of matieral objects as well. Anything that helps you get through this, right?
That made me feel a lot better yesterday.
Today I'm feeling low again, so I'll do the same thing as I did yesterday. And hopefully that will pass some time and lift my spirits a bit.
I'll message a friend I bumped into at Christmas and see if she wants to meet up next week some time
I've also arranged to meet another friend for a drink tonight. It's someone that I haven't seen for about a year and a half, and both of us will have lots to talk about. I'll take a little time getting ready. Nothing fancy, but just so I feel good about myself.
Weekend I'm going to see another friend's art exhibition.
And getting together with friends sounds lovely. I'm avoiding friends because I feel so close to tears all the time, and our situation isn't out in the open.
I love reading posts like this, because it reminds me of things I can do to get through this tough time.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Focus there's nothing mundane about getting a life! It sounds like you are getting on with things the best you can given the circumstances. I've been doing a lot of reading on Mindfulness and there is a good section on reliving and preliving situations. Enjoy your next few days and don't cause yourself pain speculating on events which might not even happen!
“There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.”
Thank you so much for all the support. It makes such a huge difference. This is such a lonely road to walk.
When I concentrate on my own life, and moving forwards with that, I feel so much better. When I get sucked into trying to find out what H is up to, how his A is going, and imagining different scenarios and outcomes, I start to feel all over the place.
Because of who he is, and who OW is, there is stuff about each of them in the press (their separate work, rather than their A).
She's made comments in the very recently about how talented my H is, how much she's enjoyed working with him, and very indirectly about what a good friend he is.
That's where I discovered she was 20 years younger than me.
Have to admit, I felt like I was going to throw up when I read all of that.
I don't know what to do with it? I'm guessing ignoring it all is my best bet?
GAL has been going really well. I had a really nice night out the other evening. And I have things planned for the weekend and next week. My work is also going really well.
Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you, I've been on a bit bad run lately.
She is fully aware of what happened - after all, everything ( well there are some things she said she left out) that happened is in the book about abuse survivors that was written by a close friend. I was only ever told bits and pieces but nothing showed any of what really happened.
I agree on the research part. Although she hasn't repressed memories, she spoke of nightmares about it fairly often. Sexually she is so repressed that she is/was unwilling to try different things...that's one of the shocks from her affair that I can't figure out - for 10 years she never would do some of the things in the pictures I saw. The only thing that I can even remotely think about is that she was so "taken in" by him that she would do anything for perceived attention - I swear her behavior (from reading texts, etc) I as almost child- like in attention seeking.
She won't seek the proper help, which really has me worried, especially where the kids are concerned. Thank you for stopping by my thread...I will be posting a new update in a few.
Thank you for your help.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I guess you could say that the thing I was describing, that compartmentalisation, could apply to everything in life: memories, feelings, emotions, thoughts, physical self, connection with other people...
So it's so surprise that she seems disconnected from herself sexually, and has compartmentalised that.
Actually, your post got me thinking more generally...about the compartmentalising that goes on in the wayward spouse for the affair to happen and continue.
Does this not take its toll on the wayward spouse? I mean, that sort of pressure must be immense?
Someone pointed out ages ago (while WH was still at home) that his FB postings were unite weird, and had been for a while. I went to look again recently, and yup, there is something really odd about them.
