Who am I and what do I want?

[JGuy]

Hey folks, I suppose you're entitled to think whatever you want about my sitch and I should expect nothing less by posting here. I must say it's pretty rough to hear people's unfiltered judgements about me, but I guess that's part of what I need to get comfortable with. Not everyone will always agree with my choices. Especially when their belief systems differ from mine.

I too am concerned about how quickly it is appropriate to get into another R. This OW deserves to be much more than just a rebound for me. Admittedly, I am not the most disciplined person. I can't imagine myself having the ability to say no to it at this time solely on the basis of it being "too soon". I am trying to find a middle ground by proceeding slowly. And yeah, slowly is a relative term depending on the kind of person you are. I'm an impatient, impulsive, risk-taking Aries. Yeah, I know some of you will think I'm nuts for believing in astrology and dreams and letting that stuff influence my decision making. I'm fine with you having a different belief system as long as you respect mine.

Speaking of dreams, I had a dream two nights ago that I was driving behind another car, not thinking about my speed. I was pulled over by a cop for speeding. I recall feeling like it was unfair, why did the cop pull me over when the car in front of me was setting the pace and I just wasn't noticing? There's some relevant symbolism here that I don't want to ignore.

To be clear about timing, I removed my ring to signify outwardly that it was over for me on March 27th. This was the no turning back point for me. Inwardly, I had begun the process of grieving the loss of the M back around January 1st, but chose not to burn any bridges just in case there was some miraculous way that the M might be saved. January, February and March I spent intensely focusing on myself, trying to answer that question about what I contributed to the failure of the M. I did get to some solid answers to that, which I shared in previous posts.

I get what folks are saying about how I should be focusing on what needs to change about me to make my next R successful. In addition to all the other soul searching that I've been doing, I have recently joined a weekly men's circle to continue digging deeper. And yes, I am still seeing my IC.

But there's also truth to the fact that in addition to dealing with one's own issues, it's important to find a partner who is compatible. My STBXW and I were really incompatible in a lot of ways that started to become very clear to me around mid-February. I have always lacked confidence in my ability to discern what is and isn't a showstopper. When should I set a boundary and be willing to walk away from a R for the sake of self-respect? This weakness of mine is one of the main issues that I identified during the past few months.

The OW and I are way, way more compatible in all the ways that my STBXW and I were not. We have the same interests and tastes in a lot of things. We have the same vision of what we want in a R. We are able to communicate and make agreements, set boundaries, and respect each other by being forthcoming and truthful. The OW has a very different personality than that of my STBXW. She knows herself and what she wants very clearly and she doesn't hesitate to speak up immediately when something feels off. It is a bit intimidating but also very refreshing. My STBXW calibrated me... it's clear that I really need a woman who can speak up for herself and who is fearlessly true to herself. It's humbling, hard on my ego, but I must admit, probably very good for me.

I tried for years to teach my SBTXW what I needed, but she just didn't have an appetite for the kind of R I wanted. I always thought the problem was that I wasn't being clear or convincing enough, but really, the problem lied in my unwillingness to accept that my STBXW was simply not interested to grow or change in the ways that would have been necessary. It's not that she's wrong and I'm right, though. It's just that we weren't aligned. We wanted very different things from a R.

If my STBXW was more honest from the beginning, instead of always avoiding conflict, then I think we probably would have figured out this incompatibility much sooner. I felt a lot of anger over the past 6 months that my STBXW was not more transparent and honest from the beginning. I felt like I was robbed of the information I needed to make sense of what was wrong in our R. I felt robbed of my freedom to respond and do the right thing, which would have been trying to work things out and ultimately letting her go much sooner. It felt as though these years of my life were wasted unnecessarily by her unilateral choice to leave me in the dark. I have worked through that though, and have forgiven her. I have had to elevate myself to a place where I love her enough to be willing to be that person with whom she needed to learn that lesson. I now feel honored and I don't regret it. It is also teaching me that I should trust my own intuition more and be more firm with my own boundaries.

I'm definitely out of the fog that was previously keeping me from seeing the way forward. I don't know that anyone ever gets out of their fog completely though. We are always learning, it never ends!