OFP

[OFP]

OFP, thanks for your update. I totally get what you're saying about convincing yourself you are better off without her. There are so many mixed feelings, good and bad memories. (I'm right behind you at about 5 months since BD.)

The good news, I believe I am less miserable now than a month ago. Month 5 I started to turn the focus off wanting to get her back, and it was a monumental change in my outlook. Mostly I needed to stop romanticizing everything. But it was something I had to approach very carefully. I had to find enough stuff about her that I didn't like to detach, and try to not focus on the positives I loved about the life, but if I thought of too much negative I got angry, so I rode that fence very carefully.

Take your time to grieve, but don't forget to look forward to your future. Even if it's baby steps.

I have taken more than my fair share of grieving time.... I'm kind of an emotional guy (regardless of what the W thought!).

Everyone thinks you have a certain amount of time that you need to "get over it". I explain to them that everyone is different, everyone goes through their own process, everyone deals with it in their own way. And then throw a number out there from what I have read, "people need 2 years to get over D" for example. It didn't help me to read that, but it helps them to understand how long this process really is.

Talk to people.... LOTS of people. And choose who you discuss certain things with. I quickly found that my mother was the WORST person to talk to. One sibling was good for dreaming up negatives, another sibling was good at calming and leveling me out, though not able to stop telling me what I "need" to do. People who are close and you NEED them, have them google "how to support someone who is going through a D." If they haven't gone through a D, they don't understand. It will instantly change their approach toward you.

People who have been through a D are almost always FULL of perspective and willing to share their story. Like I said, I have talked to 17 different people about their experience. The ones at the same stage aren't always helpful, as they are still trying to find their way out, but still good for you and them to bounce things off each other, share in your misery, provide someone just to talk to and they don't mind rehashing the same subject over and over.

Glad to hear you've already learned some things about yourself since she left. Ok to share what they are and how you are working on them?

I know I am not exactly answering your question here... but the biggest thing I needed to stop, was blaming myself. At first I thought for sure I drove W away. I knew something wasn't right with W, and made excuses for W every day... but I kept thinking "if only I had done this different, or that different... maybe she wouldn't have left?" It helped nothing, it didn't bring her back, it didn't make me feel better. The more I thought about it, the more input I got from others, everyone else was able to see that "I" did not cause this. As Zephyr said above, no matter what I had done it would never have been enough. WOW does that take away the self-destructive thoughts. Prior to that I felt like I am a worthless human and need to fix everything about myself, and become a totally different person to be lovable.

Once I fully accepted that the things I said/did in the R were patterns developed by dealing with a specific person (W), I could more easily see how the patterns were not healthy. It's not about being wrong, it's about avoiding patterns. But if I try to share anything at this point, I think it will be rambling non-sense. And without have a R to test the theories, I don't have a clue if I have learned/changed or not. Maybe in the next R, they will be a happy healthy person and I won't have those patterns ever develop?