LBS back--piecing--but still regret not DB

[ciluzen]

Dealing with the loneliness was hard. The hardest part was that it was associated with fear--fear that my family would be broken forever, fear that I would lose my home and financial stability, and fear that my kids would have more troubles. I also had a lot of shame around his A and walked around wondering who knew. So I dealt with the loneliness by GAL, spending as much time with family and friends as I could, keeping busy, and being open to new friendships. I had many sleepless nights though. Looking back, I wish I had not been so hard on myself. I really allowed my sitch to destroy me and my sense of self. I had zero confidence in what I was doing; and you know what? I did a pretty good job of managing it all!

So we were in contact quite often. An email schedule at least once a week. A couple texts and calls a week, mainly about the kids or bills. It was really hard. I tried to DB, but often would get upset and lash out. I knew he was overwhelmed with guilt and so I stuck it to him and reminded him what a POS he was whenever I could. Sigh.

-Blu

Its interesting to me how we go through the stages of grief over the loss, but they are not dead, so we have to also deal with hope. That, I believe, makes the loneliness even worse; the fact that they are still alive, but they have rejected us. We go through another stage where we feel unworthy, puny, unattractive in all ways. At this low point the hope messes with our minds. Hope makes us focus on them.

Fear and shame also visited, but for me (control freak that I am) it came out more as anger. This was a good thing, and came much later. It still flares up quietly when I worry about going to school, finding a new job, moving, and finances. GAL is a great way to deal with this, as you've said. It builds confidence, creates more of a support system, and helps you discover who you are.

The biggest support of all was these boards. Not only did I have people who were going through the same stuff supporting and encouraging me, but there were those that sent 2x4s and truth darts to help me get out of my "poor me" victim mentality. I did have a hand in the downfall of my R. 50% max, but no more. When you finally see what your part was in the issues, it is also devastating. It also gives you a road map to a better you.

Blu, we all let our hope, fear, anger, and loneliness out at our H once in a while. It may not be DBing, but DB is a guide. No one is perfect during a crisis. It even says in the books that if it works, use it. If it doesn't, try something else. I have found that sometimes when I think I've screwed up by venting at H, it seems to open his eyes a bit. Sometimes not. If anything else, it helped me. Sometimes they need to know that you see them being a POS. And are still able to smile and go on from there. If they are feeling guilt it might give them hope that they can be forgiven. At the same time, we've let them know by recognising it and blasting them, that it is a boundary that is not to be crossed again . Or I could be completely wrong.

I love reading what you've gone through (though I know it wasn't/isn't enjoyable) because there is so much to learn from your experience. I hope you are able to heal while you're piecing with the help of some of the vets.