More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi SadHub and BluWave! Thank you for the votes of confidence.

Tomorrow I see a local lawyer, so it may be a tougher day. I see my therapist in the afternoon, so I'm looking forward to that. If the appointment with the lawyer gets me down, then I know I have someone to talk to already on my docket. I should be walking again tomorrow if all goes as planned, too.

I've been missing physical contact today, though I did get 3 hugs, or maybe because of it. A handful of nice hugs are not the same as the daily contact I had with H whenever we were together. That lasted right up until the last time we parted before he bailed. We went out to dinner, hugged and kissed and expressed our love and laughed together about an inside joke, and then he drove off to the other state for what was to be a couple days of work, and I drove home. It's a hard memory to replay. It reminds me of how confusing all of this is.

Touch is my main love language and I miss being touched by another person. Feeling sad just thinking about it, so I'm back to crying. Crap-tastic. I'm still going with the "let myself feel the pain" plan. It's passing already, so I think feeling the sadness and then releasing it is working.

This evening I've been thinking a lot more about H, and for a lot of reasons. I told my story twice today and then my walking friend came over for a while. H kept coming up, as she wanted to know how I was doing and what I'd heard from H. On the upside, she really seemed to notice that I was doing a lot better than last week, so that was good. I can laugh and smile now, last week that took real effort.

On the other hand, she pointed out how skinny I've gotten and asked me to stop losing weight. So it was back to feeling like I'm wearing my problems right out there in plain sight again.

Other than those couple things, It was a good day, maybe not as great as yesterday, but still a major improvement over this time last week. I'm going to call it a significant improvement.

Time to head out for the night. I'm still not sleeping in my own home at night. I spend the whole day here (or out and about), but every night I return to the place near my family. I like seeing them in the mornings, and having breakfast with them.