WAW still angry, moved out, D on the way?

[SH_]

Once again V your words lend strength and peace to me.

So an update for this day.
I actually had one of the best nights of sleep that I can recall since this started. I fell asleep in the chair awaiting word from D17 that was at the prom. She arrived home at about 1140 pm and woke me to let me know she made it home. I stumbled into bed and went to sleep promptly. I woke up at 4 am and made a bathroom run, and then went back to sleep until 6am. This was the closest to 8 hours of un interrupted sleep that I have had in awhile. I still took a sleep aid, but I felt refreshed this morning. I did not need an anti anxiety med although a couple of times there was a trigger that set the tremors off below the surface.

At one point I showed me D17 that I was not shaking externally, but could feel it inside. She took my hand and said that she could feel it. She was in awe that on the surface, nothing, but she could feel the vibration when she held my hand.

So last night I ran to the mall with D5 and picked up a dress shirt, some slacks and a new tie that actually fit due to some of my weight loss. Today in church I received some compliments and felt good sporting some clothes that were not baggy and looked sharp on me. My D17 even told me that she was told that I looked sharp today.

WAW came to church today as D17 received a special blessing, and she was cold and avoided eye contact and would talk as if I was not there when speaking with my daughters. I was pleasant to her and greeted her as I would anyone else. Very awkward as we were referred to as a fine looking family.

Afterwards WAW told D5 she would see her tonight. I reminded her that I would drop her off in the morning as she had decided for the current co parent plan. She ignored me, and addressed D5 and said, oh, I guess I won' t see you until tomorrow. Next weekend will be fun for us though. She then made another comment how it was lonely, but "dad" never has to be alone because D17 is with him all of the time. D17 replied that she was with her half of yesterday. WAW just frowned and got in her car. Will she ever let the wall down? Will she hold this hatred and bitterness forever without ever addressing it?

I know, these are questions that I should not be concerned with. I guess the heart still speaks loudly as I continue down the path of detachment. Almost half of my life's experiences, feelings and memories are tied to this woman. It is if I have to amputate that part of my heart and memories. But, I know that it is the only way now. I must continue to grow as a person and look forward to attaching my heart and new memories to my baby girls and their futures.

D17 had a wonderful day yesterday, but due to the late night she was tired today. She seemed a little out of it, kind of in a daze, and then tonight she broke down. It is really tough to watch this and feel so helpless, but I tried to validate, comfort and at the appropriate time share encouragement and fatherly counsel. She is struggling a little with self esteem and the overwhelming stress of the situation. She feels trapped. It breaks my heart. My baby girls are the motivation that is driving me through the dark clouds of depression and anxiety, and seeing her go through this really tests the limits of my soul. I want to just reach out and fix it, and all I can do is watch as her tears flow, listen to her express her confusion and try and comfort her. This while looking to keep my D5 in a comfortable place and smiling. I sometimes feel that it is my fault they are in this situation. If only I could have been a better husband. Not made so many mistakes. If only......I know. I do not hold all of the fault here. I just feel the guilt when I see them struggle. This is not what my babies deserve. It is overwhelming.

They have both fallen asleep now while watching ET.

WAW just called to speak with them. She was disappointed they were asleep. She then asked me what is up with the L and the finance agreement. She wants her money. I said I am following up.

I pray that God provides a peaceful rest to us this night that we may awake with renewed strength, energy and some success moving forward tomorrow.

I also pray that God may provide peace to my WAW this night. May her heart be softened and may she find that which might give her joy.

May each of you reading this have a good night and thank you for following me and my situation.