Thank you, V. You are correct. I very much value your perspective and wisdom.

I read DR and I lurked for a couple years, but did not have the courage to post. I thought that reading was enough. I can see now how posting and even giving feedback to others is what is most helpful. Even in this last week--as I am posting on others' threads--I am finding that it is giving me a better perspective into my own sitch. Am I really following my own advice? So if you are lurking and thinking about posting--why not try, what do you really have to lose?

I am also finding that I am really thinking about everyone's questions and they are not easy to answer! For example, was my H in a MLC? I am not even sure how to answer that because I still don't know. How can one even be sure? I guess I thought of the term MLC as more of an "excuse" for bad behavior, ie, if the behavior is due to an MLC, they are undoubtedly not in a competent state of mind, therefore it is somehow more forgivable. I am not an expert on this subject though. So, how dose one even define a MLC?

Also, in terms of how did I know he was temp checking vs feeling guilty? Another hard one to answer and if I asked him now, he may not even have known why he was doing what he was doing. He was thick in the fog and always guilt ridden. But I can say, that there were plenty of times he felt extremely guilty for his behavior, but he did it anyway! He was scared, he was desperate, and he was clinging to this A because it seemed like the only person that still cared for him.

Also, the guilt did not parallel him wanting me back. There were times that he missed me and what we had and there were times that he was very angry at me and wanted to run. I did not DB well until the end, and I certainly tried to make his life miserable while he was gone. Independent of his feelings towards me and our M, he still new the A was wrong and felt guilty. He also knew that his "nice guy" image was gone, and so he had a major identity crisis. I think in some ways he is still coping with that.

Keep the hard questions coming folkd, it's really got me thinking!
-Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela