Hi Bluwave, thank you for validating, sometimes like today crying and crying I think of how I treated him, took him for granted, and leaned on him so much while not taking thingsn seriously myself, I feel I brought in aka "created the monster" myself and feel terribly guilty/sorry. I have tried apologizing and would NEVER want that unhealthy way in our relationship. How did it turn around for you, if I might ask? How long? Whta signs woudl I look for for IF? I have no idea. It coudl be online, he works online a lot, but also met new friends (we just arrived knowing basically no one). So it's possible; but as a recent christian with a deep good conscience, I know it couldn't last. H'e's way too good of a man if that were the case. He has gone to confession as well befor adn we recently met with a priest who offered to meet us individually, and he seeemed comfortable with him, so hopefully he might pursue that once he is at that point. I just don't know how he can go without any contact, erasing all photos, blocking, knowing I'm struggling, with no outward concern or compunction. Knowing him, unless he's being heavily influence by other family/people/counselor, it's pretty hard to believe he himself could be at peace with it. He's too good of a person.
JksD, my parents have their issues I struggled with gorwing up, they are not in a place to help at all $ or much emotionally, it's actually more stressful being there, so I cannot jsut move back, and don't have much supprot there either. Friends are avail by phone in other states, which is literally my lifeline, but so hard being physically alone day after day. i miss hugging, holding (always a good one for uss), holding hands, gentle touch, cooking, hiking, laughing, all of it. And his family, like crazy.
Thank you so much
ReNewed, oh sweetie, you are much too hard on yourself! You are not in any way, shape, or form responsible for your H's actions! You are never responsible for someone else's actions--that is codependent thinking and not healthy! He is his own person and 100% responsible for the way he handles his choices. In any R, there are 2 people, and all people make mistakes or have hardships! And in any M, it is the responsibility of each partner to communicate what they feel, what they need, and to let their spouse know what isn't working for them. That was his responsibility to you as a H and he has failed at that. To pick up and walk out on your partner, and then to cut off all ties, is neglectful and emotionally abusive! So you CANNOT blame yourself.
You are getting some very good advice here. You are in crisis mode and so it can be hard to swallow right now. Trust the vets and those that have come out on the other side of this; you cannot control or manipulate H. You cannot mind read what he is doing and why. You can only control you and your actions. And YOU are the most important person in YOUR life. You have to learn to care for yourself, treat yourself with kindness, and start to move forward without H. He may at some point notice and come back or he may not. If he does not, trust me, you DO NOT want him. You deserve better than this!
How did things turn around for me? It took a very long time. H had an EA for 6-12 mos, he left me for about 1 year, and during that year his EA went to a full blown R, and he turned our life & family upside down! We had to interact often because we have kids. There were several signs of guilt/regret throughout that year, and I tried to mind read, but I can tell you now that that never works! Some signs--him trying to talk to me, puppy dog eyes, nice emails, offering to do things for me, trying to help more at the house or with kids, and him telling me he was scared. There were times I thought he wanted to come back, and only some of the time I was right. Other times he was just feeling guilty, sad, and confused. He was in a fog and not thinking clearly most of the time. You cannot read into H's words, actions, or texts.
When H was ready to come back to be, it was different and I knew without a doubt. He did a 180 and it happened fast, in 1-2 weeks. He was remorseful, he was transparent, and he was 100% committed to doing whatever it took to make the marriage work. If your spouse is coming back to you, you will just know. In the mean time, trying to mind read only causes further stress and wasted energy. You are better than that.
So let him go. I know that is so hard and not what you want to hear. Torturing yourself and blaming yourself will not bring him back. And you deserve better than that. Learn to self love, take the steps you need to find your happiness and confidence, and you take all the time you need. If H doesn't notice over time and come back, then someone better will. These things have a way of working themselves out over time.
Ironically, H has done you a favor. You didn't like how you treated him or who you were when you were with him. Do you really want to go back to that life? Now is your chance stand up tall, think about what you want in life, and learn to be the best person you can be.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
