Have had a good weekend in general, out with different friends last night watching some handball. Did some work on the car yesterday. Today was away playing hockey all day today, sport I played for 15 years before moving to Canada for my W. Have played it on and off, should have been doing it more but with the house build and getting told I was not spending enough time with the family, I stopped playing last year. So many things just don't make sense and I've always been someone that feels the need to understand what went wrong. As an electrician working on aircraft, it's always about why something stopped working and fixing it. Think I have done way too much of that in my MR, been the one to fix everything because that's what W wanted me to do.
Felt anger and frustration today towards W, I'm shocked with myself sometimes how I can love and hate someone in equal measures at the same time. Still need to get better at mentally detaching, although I did get round to putting that frustration into my game. We won and I scored one which helped. Felt fitter with all the training I have been doing as well which again felt good.
My IC also gave me a talk about 'letting go' and the difference from giving up. I wanted to share some of it:
It’s trust. It’s trusting that if you do the right thing, think the right thoughts, do your work well, take care of others, give back, always care, things will ​ultimately be all right.They will work out the way they are supposed to​, which may not always ​be ​the way we want. But that is part of letting go. Sometimes we have to let people go. We have to let them find their way. Sometimes loving them and caring about them does not work, they can’t let it in. They, themselves have to get to the point where they can accept it. Again, it does not mean we stop caring, sometimes we have to walk away, stop forcing the issue. In those moments letting go is an action. It’s not a declaration of defeat. Though it sometimes feels that way. It’s just a release. It’s saying I will let you go. I will let you figure things out for yourself. I will be here, caring if you decide to come back, if you decide to fix the places I cannot fix for you.
Sometimes that means while you care, you could wind up caring more for someone else. In letting go, we sometimes find what we were holding on to, was not at all what we wanted, be it a person, a job or a way of being in the world.
In those cases letting go is an action of freedom. We are allowing ourselves the freedom to find something else, or for something else to find us.
Mentally is still a struggle for me, I do see my W as no one I know, someone that is not attractive to me and I need to keep remembering that. As I saw BluWave write, do I want back who she is right now... No, I know I don't. Will I see any of the W I fell in love with, we don't know the answer to that and until that time, as I have seen Sandi mention, if she is prepared to put me on the market for someone else to possibly find, that is a risk she seems willing to take. As I did say to a friend, i can do, and have done many amazing things for my W. I have made my mistakes along the way that I can learn from.
I should be living up to my thread title a bit more, here's to new adventures!
