Why is Raven black?

[ciluzen]

I'm focusing too much on H, right now. As I've said, I have a lot of contact with him while getting the house ready. I need his help, it has allowed me to see his behavior, demeanor, discuss his thoughts and feelings, etc. And him to see me and how I behave, what I'm doing, and what he's giving up (the house and property and "stuff"). But it also means he's on my schedule (although he is admittedly bad at keeping to what he says) and often on my mind.

So, some journaling. I decided (against some poster's advice) to keep my checkup appointment with him. Now does not feel like the right time to quit his office and make that statement. I started dreading it because my anger with his ladyfriend has grown again even though at one point I tried to forgive and let go, and she works at his office during the time my appointment was scheduled. I'm glad I went. She was, for some reason, not there that day. The other three ladies have been supportive and communicative with me on their personal time, but I hadn't seen them since they came to my birthday over a month ago. They were so warm and welcoming and very happy to see me!
H came in and joked around and did the exam, but I got the feeling that while he was being professional and treating me like every other long term familiar patient, he was a little awkward. Apprehensive? After my appointment all three ladies took time to stand around and catch up with me (talk of kids and family, recent activities, etc). Then H came over with pen and paper and started asking me what I needed him to do at the house this weekend. Mood dampener (way to bring up the impending house sale and state of our marriage!)I answered quickly then turned my back on him to go back to talking with the ladies. He sort of stood there, took a step forward, then a step back like he was going to say something, then hustled out of the room. We talked a bit more, then we said our goodbyes and I left.

The next day, he called to say he was on his way out to help with the house. He has been only really wanting to do outside work but it was raining. I reiterated that I needed help inside. I also brought up that I was going through old video that was unlabeled and that some were home movies of the kids that were pretty cute. He said he had no interest in seeing them; he was too busy (fair enough). When he was here he kept coming in to watch, though. I would pop in video, see what was on it, and go do another task as it played, then label it accordingly. I'd like to transfer them to DVD before they break. There are mostly just snippets and a few long ones. He made comments about how he remembered or didn't remember things.
Memory issues are a big worry to him with what is going on with his mother. He finally has been sharing that with me more. The videos seemed to trigger something in him, though. I had to leave after a few hours (we did manage some yard work together) so he left to go then, as well. I got almost 0 eye contact all day. He seemed preoccupied and tired again.

On a lighter note, my Special Olympics soccer team did great! So much fun! It rained hard on us before our games, but then cleared up. Such great kiddos. Lots of joy. D25 called to say that next game, she would come watch and be our team photographer. Looking forward to that.

I relaxed and had a pleasant night when I got home, but I had one more video to watch before bed. It was the one my sister's XH shot after our wedding and during the reception. I hadn't seen it in years. Saw so many people who I've lost touch with or who have passed on. We looked so young. I realized my mom and H's dad were only one year older than H is now. His mom was younger than H. It was nice, but bitter sweet. I can't believe how beautiful my H was. How he kept kissing me every few minutes. Not me kissing him every few minutes. I was interacting with all of my friends...talking and talking and smiling...Wow. Total role reversal later. And his family had almost almost no interaction with me or my family, or even very much with H. His older brother ws always close by, but although I saw his parents in many of the frames, they were not really looking our or his way or even talking to him. His younger brother was a groomsman and he doesn't even appear anywhere in the video...even when the rest of the wedding party is shown. I wonder if this was a "punishment" (they thought we should not have our big wedding because I was 3 months pregnant). I've said before, his family punishes...psychologically and by withholding.

Anyway, interesting to watch. Sorry for the book again. Just one of those weekends when I'm focusing too much on H.