Maybell XXXVIII: Settling In

[Maybell]

Thank you all for your input, I appreciate that I can put it out there and get responses back so quickly.

WRT college... If I suggested that he wasn't going to be able to pay for college he would get angry and defensive. The house is bought. He's already made decisions that won't permit him to plan for college saving. I have to let it play out. I've taken every legal step I can to get him to agree to share the cost but the truth is he has no legal obligation to provide for the kids after they're 18 and I've done everything I can in that line for the moment.

WRT the house/chores... I'm getting the help I can and engaging the kids to the extent I'm able. Probably there's more I can do but part of the challenge is getting them up to speed. The boys in particular need to be very heavily monitored to make them do anything like a reasonably thorough job. D13's worst trigger is when the kitchen gets messy. Her ugliness really comes out when it's not in good order and I can choose to either try to parent the meanness & upset out of her (time & energy suck) or ignore it -- which means walking away from whatever activity I was engaged with, thus losing either the recuperative effect of relaxing or losing the efficiency of, say, catching up with whatever chore I was engaged in. She's positively abusive when the kitchen is even slightly piled up.

I have gotten recommendations for new therapists and I'm going to start her and me both as soon as I can make the phone calls. I can't live like this.

WRT the job... I like it and under normal circumstances I would be ok with the learning curve, etc., but there is ENORMOUS pressure to make a fast start on building the business and I'm not meeting any of the metrics. When I turn to friends and family members for help I get stupid suggestions like "start a blog" rather than the actual help I'm asking for. I feel alone, and I feel the weight of responsibility and I'm so twisted up with the emotions of feeling inadequate and anxious about catching up with the long-term goals, being the sane parent, tending to my own needs, and mourning what I'm losing by taking full responsibility for my family, that it's inhibiting my ability to be effective.

So, no pressure but I've got to sort that out asap or the whole house of cards comes down.

WRT to hating him... I'm trying. I had gotten fairly ok with how things were but once again I find myself so overwhelmed with my responsibilities that I hate him for putting me in this position. Especially because I haven't figured out how to fit exercise into my new life and I'm feeling it. My opportunities to relax only occur when I'm collapsing in exhaustion and I'm having trouble sleeping. Seeing him holed up all by himself in his mansion, or worse, hearing from D13's friends' parents how awesome the new place is, feeds that beast. Then I look around my house and see how little I've done to pretty it up (but lots of maintenance stuff, and lots more to go) and my fury rises.

He's not a worthwhile person and I wouldn't even want to have dinner with him, let alone be married to him again. We clearly don't share ANY of the same values. So some of my anger is at myself for having chosen my husband so carelessly. People have said to me "people change," in defense of my choosing to marry him. But hindsight is 20/20 and I see now the red flags that were screaming at me that he wasn't to be trusted. I'm so frustrated with getting myself into this position.

The transitions in the last two years have been coming hard and fast. I've lived through 4-5 "Top Five" stressors in the last two years, in addition to trying to help the kids through them, and I've done it largely alone. I'm really worried I'm going to crumble if I don't make big healthy changes.

On the other hand, the Facebook "memories" app posted a picture that reminded me that the two year anniversary of him moving out recently passed. When I think how far I've come in two years, I am very, very grateful. I knowing get through this. I'm just not sure how.

***** *****. *****

In other news, I was talking to my New Guy today about my goals as a parent and some of the challenges I see in creating opportunities to do activities with the kids that make it possible to meet them. He stepped right up and suggested an activity that's way beyond my physical ability... And he offered to help make it happen. It's something I really want and the kids (especially D13) really want and it is in line with some values and interests that NG and I share.

We've been seeing one another five months now and he's made it clear that this is serious for him. Some days it feels serious for me and some days I have fears and reservations. The more I get to know him, though, the more I feel like I have something to offer him, and he has plenty to offer me. We're complementary rather than similar. I feel good at the end of a day spent with him. He's not flashy AT ALL, and occasionally it bugs me, but I haven't yet felt like we've done the same things twice. He is absolutely not without flaws... But neither am I.

I am reserving judgment, watching carefully, and trying to be patient. I'm also tired, a little sad that there are so many goals I won't meet, and afraid I'll fail at the ones I've committed to.

My inner Wonder Woman reminds me that at least I'm trying to rise to the occasion, and however it eventually plays out, I have chosen to take action on my & the kids' own behalf. I haven't been a victim of my circumstances, and if I achieve half of what I'm aiming for it will still be something to be proud of.

"All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”