Hi TJCran, Oh, I am not in the dark as to why the fight we had was so destructive - we actually haven't been 'fighting' a lot lately at all. But we do have a pattern that developed over the years that when allowed to escalate ends up being very damaging. I'm the pursuer and he's the avoider and the more I feel he's ignoring me the more i keep 'poking' him verbally trying to get him to respond and on and on. The night we had the fight he was very tired and stressed from work - and obviously more stressed than I realized, and when i look back I think of all the signals of what he really needed that I didn't give him. A massage and quiet would have been best!
I've been reading a lot about attachment theory - he's the avoidant dismissive and I'm the anxious preoccupied. Supposedly this is a very common duo and now that I know this it's like a chandelier went off in my head- DUH! WHy doesn't anyone tell us this when we get married?
I watched some fascinating videos by Dr. Sue Johnson who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy that is based on this. I trigger his flight response, the cortisol floods his system and voila! In the past a fight would cause him to withdraw and take longer than me to recover - so I am keeping this in mind now as well, knowing that if/when he comes around it will take a lot longer than it does me. I feel my task is to work on myself, get a better job and slowly hope his heart opens up and he softens a bit. This is a guy who was sending me whatsapp messages 3 days before our fight telling me he wanted me to come and cuddle for naptime. He is in total self protection mode and just thinks right now he has to either be alone or be with me which he 'thinks' will be stressful. Hope this hasn't been to long of a read! thanks for keeping up with my story...how are you? I need to read your thread. How do I add you as a buddy? thanks!
