Ginger, D13 wasn't in the play, she just wanted to see it. But I did explain to her that I could handle the GF.
Sunny, I don't know. There are moments when he's very supportive and kind, and I certainly enjoy hanging out with him. He is different than anyone I've spent time with before in ways that I really like and feel challenge me in nice ways. I care about him and I am happy to have him in my life.
It's a little soon for me to look so far in the future. He's been looking at houses that would hold all five of us, and even obliquely mentioned marriage... I'm NOT interested in getting married again any time soon. For sure not in the next two years. I care about him but I can't take another responsibility on and we aren't in a place where a partnership has developed.
Neither of us has used the L word so I'm not concerned about where this is going at the moment...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Last night D13 needed me to drop something off pretty late. I ran it up to Mr. Fantastic's front door, he opened the door wide enough for me to hand him the item, and I left. 15 seconds, max.
The place is a mansion. It had a beautiful chandelier, super high ceilings, the latest paint color. The kids have all new furniture and bedding (which is good, given they didn't have anything in his apartment), and he's decorating it all custom colors according to what they want.
It makes me sick. I met with my financial advisor the day before and described the situation to him and he agreed with me that we need to plan on Mr. Fantastic defaulting on his college obligation.
I've been working SO HARD the last three weeks and I'm not getting a lot of traction in my success. I feel an amount of stress that makes me want to vomit and I'm losing my hair at the same rate as when he first left me. I'm terrified that if I can't make this job work that I'm dooming my kids to enormous levels of student debt and myself to a Medicaid retirement.
My house is a disaster. My laundry is a disaster. I barely see my friends and I haven't spoken to my family in three weeks. (I did try to call my mother but she forwarded my call to voicemail a week ago and she hasn't called me back). Fortunately the kids are with him this weekend but 48 hours doesn't feel like enough for me to relax so my mental health is better for the coming two weeks, get the house back in order, my studying caught up, and a plan made for the work week.
I HATE HIM. I'm trying to do the job of two very busy people all by myself. I hate that he's so f-ing self-indulgent that he leaves because "this isn't what he wants," he buys himself a mansion but resents every penny he pays me and expects me, a woman who spent twelve years at home caring for his household and his children, to pay for half their college when there is NOTHING saved up. I hate him. I'm terrified for my future and for my kids. I do not feel like I'm enough for any portion of this, let alone all of it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm so sorry that you are struggling. I hope that you get some rest and peace of mind this weekend.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
What kids want is not a mansion and fashionable colors. It's love and understanding. I thought about it in my D because STBX might be hotter, but he's less accomplished, poorer, etc. But he's kind and loving to STBX (or was when he snapped her up) and I couldn't compete with that at the time. It's kind people we love, not the rich ones. We want people who pay attention to us, who welcome and accept us. Keep swimming.
About your XH: You're right. You're entirely right. I despise him. He's wrong to care so little about his kids, he's wrong to be so greedy. He was wrong to cheat on you.
But this hate is only affecting you. He's not affected by it, at all. He goes on to live his life, without a care for what's going on in your head. IT'S UNFAIR! It shouldn't be this way. He should have a price to pay for it. But whether he will or not doesn't matter.
You'll have to find a way to let go. One day, it will happen and you'll realize that he'll win nothing from you letting go. Your hate is not evening out anything. It's only affecting you, and hence giving him the upper hand again.
Letting go will bring you freedom and energy. It's a journey. Keep going in that direction.
=====
Yesterday, I told STBX that I didn't want to pay for her unemployment benefits even though I'm legally required to under her immigration status. Her parents are rich (just bought her a condo in cash), she has savings that I have accumulated for her, she's hired a decorator for her new condo, has been on vacation abroad at least 4 times since we separated 18 months ago, the separation already cost me some 60K in lost income and expenses, I'll have to take the money out of my savings to pay her, etc. She had no care for it: she said she needed the money and she was entitled to it so even though she felt bad it would come from me, she was going to claim it.
I spoke to my best friend, who's been my advisor through this, and he convinced me to pay and move on. It's a few thousands dollars and it's a lost battle anyway. I shouldn't let it affect me. I'm right: it's unfair. She's rich, I'm not. So what? Move on. It's difficult, but it's the best thing for us.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Look - just so you don't feel alone - I think almost all of us recently divorced folks have these moments. After all, it's been a relatively short time since our worlds, expectations, and financial well beings have been upended. I had a minor version of this myself. XH's mom just bought herself a new car (she buys a new one every three years) and gave him her in-prime condition 3 year old Toyota. Meanwhile - coincidentally, I had just been realizing I am probably going to need a new car in a couple of years - and that had not been factored into my previous financial calculations. I felt a little pouty that this problem had been solved so easily for him ("must be nice" ran through me head a few times). And then I said "F*** it. Thank goodness I'm in my forties and can buy myself a car and I don't need my mommy to do it for me".
Anyway, enough about me. Look - it blows that he can sort of afford the shiny special new house. It REALLY blows that it sounds like he might not be the most financially prudent person to have to rely on for your kids. As an aside, while it's a good idea to plan for the worst case scenario - it very well may not end up with him reneging on his obligation. After all - he's probably going to be building up some equity in his mini-mansion, and I presume the college stuff was written into your divorce settlement? I'm sure you would hate to go back to court - but that is something that IS enforceable.
I know you are worn out right now - and its hard to feel empowered in those moments. Keep reminding yourself that you are a strong and capable person, Maybell. Not getting any traction in your job? It's only been three weeks, dear. That's the blink of an eye in a career. Give yourself a break - or at least 6 months - before you start to worry about "traction".
I know the house stuff must be bothering you- it's something that has come up here and there in your threads. In fact - you always make me feel a little guilty - because I don't think my laundry has been completely done since this whole thing started almost two years ago - and frankly - I don't really care (and probably should) . I know you will get it where you need it to be.
And back to the college stuff.....look... we all want to send our kids to college to pursue a degree they are passionate about so that they can be productive members of society and start their adult lives with a nice clean slate and no debt....and you know, I don't think that it works out that way for most people. Cut yourself some slack. Save what you can. Start college accounts for each kid that they contribute to, even if it is only $5 bucks a month, so that they start to get some sense of financial planning and responsibility, because they probably aren't going to get that message from their dad. And if they end up with some college debt - well - they may learn something about responsibility, and that isn't a bad thing.
And Maybell - I know that your D is 13 and this terrifying expense is looming in 5 years - but 5 years is a long time. You might be surprised by what you can accomplish in that time.
In short Maybell - you can do this. It may not look like you envisioned, but you will be able to give your kids the guidance and assistance that they actually need. Look at what you've accomplished already - new house (we all know how exhausting that is), new career, new life. Give yourself a pat on the back, Momma. You CAN do this.
For now, I would encourage you to focus on your own wellbeing and longer term stuff can be dealt with nearer the time.
Maybe think about doing some of those things that helped you when you were finding things tough before. for me - meditation, journaling, affirmations.
Also, are you just trying to do too much - and are you engaging the kids in chores too? Have a think about which stuff can give a little and where you need to focus right now. Next week/month is another week/month - you only need to get through the here and now.
Do take care and I hope you start to feel better soon. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I find it tough with having to think of housing and college for one kid; I can't imagine how much tougher it is for you.
The other dbers have given you good advice and I really haven't had anything more to add. But is there a way for Mr F not to renege on his fins promises? Any way to arm twist him legally?
D is not fair. It's not fair that people who have so cruelly wrecked our lives can so blithely escape the wrath of karma while we are left behind picking the pieces of our lives.
Wrt to the laundry. I stuff all the washed stuff into the cupboards and only iron the bare minimum. And the dishes in the sink? Let's just say that the food crumbs have been feeding a colony of corpulent gheckos.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
. I know you will get it where you need it to be.