WAW still angry, moved out, D on the way?

[Phoebe]

SadHub, I think you need to try to sit still for just a little bit and remember something that is incredibly important. There is no chance that you are 100% to blame for the problems in your relationship. You can own 50%, but that's about it.

Every relationship is made up of two people who are equally responsible for every interaction. I know for a fact that I am not a great listener sometimes, but my H is a terrible talker. Now who's to blame for that situation? I'd say that's a 50/50 split. I could have listened better, and he could have figured out how to speak the heck up. So our spouses may not have been happy all the times, but neither were we. No one is happy all the time. This is important, too: we are NOT responsible for the happiness of anyone but ourselves. We can support and wish the other person happiness, but we are not responsible for it. Period. They have to find happiness within themselves.

Your wife seems like she is trying to place 100% of the blame on your shoulders, too. She is equally wrong. She also own 50% of the mess, but she is unable to accept it. Like my H, she has chosen to wear the mantle of victimhood, and it's not pretty. Worse, forcing your daughter to choose between her two parents is reprehensible. Maybe when she grows up a bit she will come to realize her mistake, but you need to know that this is NOT all you fault.

I've been down the self-flagellation road, and it's a dead end with nothing to see along the way but non-productive pain. Beating yourself over the head with every interaction you can remember, looking for a way to blame yourself is neither productive nor healthy. There is exactly nothing that you can do to change the past. You can only change today and tomorrow, and today is where you should focus your energy.

You have been through what I have come to believe is one of the most traumatic events a person can go through. Yes, you're anxious. Yes, you're depressed. Yes, you're shaking all the time. You and me both, kid. BUT, and here's the big difference between what we're going through here and true mental illness - there is a REASON we're so upset. Something bad has happened to us. Our sadness and anxiety and somatic symptoms didn't develop over time. They showed up acutely when our lives exploded around us. My shaking and anxiety started the very instant I realized my husband wasn't coming home. It was like a switch had been thrown. You've had the same switch triggered in you, too.

We have a reason to be anxious: we don't know what our future holds anymore and that can be terrifying.

We have a reason to be sad: we are grieving the loss of our marriages, the dreams we had for our futures, the loss of our family stability, the loss of our extended families, loss of our lovers and perhaps our best friends, the loss of our memories because they are now co-mingled with so much pain, even potentially the loss of our homes. It is an incredibly complicated set of losses.

We have a reason to be shaking: every day we have our bodies are telling us to be ready for fight or flight, and there is no way we can do either one. Our brain may be telling us that we're OK, but our bodies don't agree.

It's not weakness or mental illness. It's reactive. We are heart broken. Maybe we're not handling it the way we'd like to, but we are handling it in the best way we can. I know you are doing so much to reach out and get the help and support you need. Every single day you are getting out of bed and taking care of your children. You are doing so many things for yourself - seeing a therapist, seeing you doctor, taking medications aimed at helping you, seeing your spiritual advisor, getting a referral for a psychiatrist, seeing a lawyer. That is a lot of very proactive work.

Take the damn anxiolytics without guilt whenever you need them. Do whatever it takes to get yourself in a better place. Focus on making it through one single day at a time, and if that feels like a lot some days, then focus on getting through the next hour. It's what I do on the hard days.

One other thing my grief counselor told me when I told her of my struggles to wrap my head around the "whys." She told me that I may NEVER understand why my H did what he did or feels the way he does. He may not even understand it himself. The same may well be true for you and your wife.

Know that I intend to keep up with you, SadHub. I am pulling for you and am willing to hit you with another 2x4 if necessary!!! I hope you get some sleep. I know it's been a tough day.