It was a fun evening last night as we went out to dinner at Subway and then went to the theater and enjoyed the New JungleBook movie. Both of the girls enjoyed it. The fun part was the children meal at Subway was a JungleBook themed meal that came with a little orange watch. D5 loved it and used it to count down the start of the movie while at the theatre. She is such a joy to be around. She was really into the movie and snuggled up with me on my lap. So I had all the love and joy a father can have while with his little Angels. grin
D17 was in a great mood all day, and really has her mid going with so many plans to be able to get a normal schedule and back into the groove of it all while still moving forward to goals and dreams.
It was great night, and for the first time in some time, I actually was tired and was able to go to sleep with out much effort. tired
I slept until about 2 AM which is better than I have been doing, and after a quick bathroom run, I went back to sleep pretty quick. Up again at 330 AM and then again at 5AM, but each time I actually fell asleep. sleep So some progress on that front. The only draw back is when I finally dragged myself out of bed at 7 am, my mind was in a little depressive vacuum, and I was shaking like a leaf. I gave my girls a hug, ate some breakfast, did a quick shave and shower, and prepared to take my daughter over to a friends house to work on her Senior announcements for graduation. I could not stop shaking, and mind swirling, so I gave in and took an Anti anxiety med to try and calm down. I really do not want to keep taking them, but some mornings, I just can not get calm enough to function. crazy
I was able to calm the mind, down after a bit, but the shakes are still tremoring under the surface. It really is becoming quite annoying, and a little bit of a blow to the ego, as it makes me feel like a scared rabbit, or worse yet, some kind of weakling. This is not who I am, and while my self confidence is at an all time low, the quivering makes it appear even worse I imagine.
I am going to get my exercise plan back in order, as well as a renewed focus on my diet, and hope to he// that maybe that will help. D17 and I are also going to try a meditation program and see if that may help with the mind swirl.
I am at a point, where I am harboring anger with the WAW as I hold her to blame for this situation. She did not take the time to work with me so that I can understand the issues or the reason for all of the anger and portrayed hate. D5 has made several comments about how mer mommy does not like me. This stings, as what is the WAW saying in front of D5? When she came by today to pick up D17 to hang out with before her prop this evening, she would not even look at me or acknowledge that I greeted her, or was even there.
I mean come on, WHAT THE HE// did I do that warrants such anger. 19 years married, almost 20 knowing each other, we had our disagreements, ups and downs, but never did I realize that I did something so horrific to hurt her in the manner that she is behaving in. I know, I know, none of this should matter, or be bothering me as I need to detach, believe nothing she says and only half of what she does, but something is missing here. confused
I am familiar with MWD explanation of the WAW, I know that I have my faults for this mess, my IC reminded me, that I should have already accepted that as I tried to be the better husband and work on things, that she may have checked out and it was to little too late. But the truth is I am struggling to accept all of this. I think part of my anxiety and negative mind vacuum is trapped in replaying every argument, emotional withdrawal, each depressive episode, all my failures, my anxiety driven indecisiveness and any other interaction whether real or now just recreated in my mind. It is a lot to try and determine and identify without any explanation for what drove her over the edge is such a quick and angry fashion. I feel so guilty and am overloading myself with taking on 1000% of the blame. But where do I start to correct, or fix it. I do not want to repeat the same things in the future. I believe that she could at least provide an explanation. She never even wanted to try. How come she will not tell me what I have done so wrong. And I am still very certain that she is not in an EA/PA. Which is all the more difficult to understand. So many in these forums seem to have the as part of the challenge, so ideas and feedback on my situation is a bit sparse.
I am bouncing between anger, guilt, shame, lack of self confidence, paranoid thoughts, and just plain fear of the future. This can not be healthy for the mind.
My family and my W were everything for me, and now I feel lost, and reactive, and just trying to survive one day at a time. I am seeking for new friends, mentors or individuals to reconnect a life that I barely remember from so long ago.
I have been with an IC who has referred me to a Psychiatrist, my GP has given me the referrals for the psychiatrist and AD's to keep me functioning, my spiritual leader seem to just look at me with pity and say that my WAW is more expressive and that is why she has gathered so much support and potentially become more angry as she gathers supporters for a story that may not be all that is started out as, and.....well,
I don't want to accept that I may have a mental illness that led me to this point. I know that as I look back that I would get trapped in a fog due to trying to take on so much responsibility for making good decisions and may have crumbled under the weight and then would be overly cautious. January of this year was a month of such fog due to several things falling out for me and I tried to regroup and figure out how to move forward. I was withdrawn initially, then as I noticed that my W was worried, I tried to explain my challenge, and instead, I think I may have talked her into doing what she is doing. I was reaching out for help and support from her, and instead I believe that she decided that I was not capable of meeting her needs for her future and therefore she bailed out of the MR.
Maybe I do have an issue that needs to be addressed, because I know that my mind is very aware of the right information and knowledge, but the overwhelming physical sensations of fear and anxiety literally lock up my decision making faculties and I freeze up. I avoid making a decision, I take the safe path, which appears to just be settling for less than I can get. Change is a big trigger for my anxiety. Odd, considering my entire childhood was about change with my father in the military. We moved regularly. I had to start at new schools, find new friends, start over in new neighborhoods all the time. Yet, every major change in my marriage has been instigated by my WAW, and I get stuck in a depressive withdrawn state, just trying o keep my head above water going along to meet her needs. And with the past 2 months, it appears that I am afraid of her. My D17 says, that I seem to appear very anxious or glazed over anytime I think of her or know that I have to meet up with her when picking up the girls. and not to be funny, but it is like she took my man card and my balls from me when she walked away. I feel very ashamed for how I am handling this all. Very ashamed indeed.
Cue the 2x4's for me at this point. crazy
Well, this has to end for me now. I have to regroup and gather myself, and move forward. I want to start living and stop merely existing and surviving. I want to be a father, that my daughters can be proud of. I want the FEAR to stop, because I take action. I will not give in. This I am saying to try and pump myself up. I know that I am better than this and have a bigger purpose to achieve.
Thank you for listening to my update, bipolar rant, and most importantly, thank you for all of the support and love that you have all shown me. I have a long way to go to get through this, and hopefully some day it will all become clear to me what happened, why this happened, and what I was meant to learn from it all. And without any expectation for my WAW, I do hold out a sliver of hope that my family can be made whole again someday. But I will focus, on making me whole again. That is the priority, this I know.
And Vanilla, once again your short comments grant me strength, as I feel the sincerity and love that you have when sharing them with me and everyone one on these forums. You are such a wonderful person that has endured some very challenging times. You are a beacon of hope, love and inspiration for me and many others of this I am certain. Thank you.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
