Feyth it sounds like you are doing great. I agree with KML that this man is not great "parent material". Maybe you should consider this horrible mess as a blessing in disguise. How could a person like that cope with parenthood? I would struggle to trust them in future.
My H is going through a MIL that is really mild compared to what you describe, but if it wasn't for our three children maybe I would not be DBing right now, maybe I would have been free to deal with the situation in a way that makes ME happy. I occasionally resent the fact that I have to try for the sake of the kids, and that he will benefit from my commitment to our family.
You should be proud of what you've achieved in the last few months,mcongratulations!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hi Feyth, I don't think you should feel bad about the choices you're making. You weren't the one who chose to leave the M and you are now moving forward with the rest of your life. For much longer M's and where you have kids together, I understand people choosing to stand in hope of a restored M for a good while. However, I also think that for a young woman like you, who hopes to have a family some day, it would be a shame to wait and wait for a guy who may or may not wake up and turn back to his M.
I think the main thing is to learn the lessons about ourselves from this process and carry them forward with us for the future. Take your time with new guy and enjoy the sparkle of a new romance. I'm cheering you on!
Take care and have some fun xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Congratulations on your move! I'm sure you are still unpacking and putting things in their proper places in your new home. Take your time and don't over do it.
Why are you feeling guilty about the choices you've made? You've been forced into a separation, a move and your life has been turned upside down because your h can't get himself together and be the man he should be. The choices he made have impacted your life in so many ways. I think you've been handling your situation w/grace and dignity.
As for dating, take your time. Life does have a way of working things out if we don't try rush the process.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for the feedback, Esame, Sotto, and Job. I sincerely appreciate it.
The whole thing just stinks.... For all of us. When is it ok to really let go?
Anyway, one thing I've been mulling over the last few days is- Dealing with friends and the in-laws. I'm bothered by the fact that nobody knows (or even cared to ask) about my perspective on all this. H has just shared his side and I kind of became the monster/ enemy... It was all my fault in his eyes. My FIL even told my h to protect his money right when this happened. I was floored because money was the furthest thing from my mind... I was going bonkers trying to save us. To this day, I'm so unbelievably hurt by their actions. It's just another thing that I think of as I continue to let go. The anger helps with detachment.
I can't help but wonder if anyone has thought he was being irrational in his decisions or if they were just totally supportive of him and compassionate for him and this hard time in his life.
No point in mind reading... But man it's still hard keeping my mouth shut. Every now and again, I get he urge to reach out to my niece and nephew who I love and just tell them that It wasn't my decision to leave this marriage. I don't have an urge to share the gory details, but I do want people to know that I was fighting... And I continued to fight for months and months and months. Just seems like no one will ever know. It's the ultimate test of humility, I guess.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
"I don't have an urge to share the gory details, but I do want people to know that I was fighting... And I continued to fight for months and months and months. Just seems like no one will ever know. It's the ultimate test of humility, I guess."
I agree, Feyth; it is the ultimate test of humility.
I have shared my story with close friends...people I reached out to after H moved out when I was desperate to find a support group. My former "friends" (I call them my old "social group" now) proved to be H's friends. Since they haven't even asked after me, they won't hear my side to the story. I'm sure the assumptions and gossip are interesting.
As for his family, they aren't very detail or "feelings" oriented. H didn't even tell his parents that he filed until a few weeks ago (he filed at the end of January).
It does stink. You want someone to talk to them, shake them, slap some sense into them. Turn them back into old H. Isn't that what friends and family are for? Tough love, a different perspective? Someone to answer to?
Nope. But we get to change, grow, and become a better person. We get to find out who our real friends are. We get to learn all about ourselves and who we are in this process. We get a great consolation prize. We may even learn to appreciate it.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Yes, it's one of the difficulties I have - that others may see I dropped the rope and perceive I didn't try hard enough. A mutual friend recently said how incredibly well she thinks I'm doing. And my first thought was - does she think I didn't love H enough?
Ultimately, who really cares what anyone thinks, I try and tell myself. The main thing is I know what I have done and why and I can live with it. I wasn't the one who decided to date other women whilst telling me our R was 'perfect.' I didn't decline MC saying - 'that's not my idea of romance.'
So, I know I have fought in my own way and I dug deep to do it. And it hasn't been easy. That's the main thing IMHO. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It's been a little bit since I've posted. I've been busy Galing and getting settled in my new place. Tonight is a momentous occasion.... Tonight I am sleeping in MY bed. I haven't slept in a bed since I moved from my home in June. Up until now I've been sleeping on a raggedy old mattress on the floor.
When I first moved, I didn't want any furniture because my sitch was temporary. There was NO WAY that H and I weren't going to pull through the separation. He wanted space and I was giving it to him, it was a "trial" he said. It was so unbelievably hard, but I never lost sight of that goal of reconciliation. I took the time to work on me so I could re-enter the marriage stronger, more confident in my abilities, and more loving..... But...h decided instead of working on himself like he promised... Instead of keeping his word that it wasn't about wanting to see other people... He dated.
He didn't even try.
I feel foolish and am crying as I type this..... Just feeling the loss as i officially lie in my new bed. It's very symbolic in a way.... No past loves here, no ghosts, just me. With that comes no hope for a future with h. It's gone... All gone.
Sorry for the jibber jabber... I awoke from my sleep flooded with emotions and am just getting my thoughts out.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hello, Today I accomplished one of my personal goals that I made to myself as part of my initial DB efforts. I ran a half marathon! Time was good (way better than expected) and I ran the whole thing. The weather was drizzly which helped. The accomplishment is emotional. I had 2 hours and 20 minutes to just think, and of course, h took up a lot of that thinking time. I really am doing ok, just in a bit of a dip as h has been on my mind a lot.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Congratulation on accomplishing one of your personal goals. I'm sure you are feeling really good about this accomplishment...after all, you worked hard to run this race.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
