Feeling lost

[Accuray]

I would apply the governing rule -- independent of the impact it might have on your wife, what do *you* want, and what can you handle?

If this interaction is likely to make you feel worse afterwards, don't do it.

If this interaction is likely to get your hopes up that things will be better, don't do it.

If you can go into this interaction with no expectations for anything improving AND you want to spend time together as a family, then do it!

Acc

[srt]

I should add to this that in the last "R" "chat" we had W was saying she had "messed up" and "[censored] everything and everyone up" regarding our M.
She was also concerned about what my family think of her? Strange since if she is determined to D she'd never really see them again?
In the same chat she was also talking about arrangements with kids in the future with undertone that we are still separated, and reiterated her belief that she "belongs" in the city.

I know the believe nothing you hear, and little of what they do (she has also changes mailing address of several things to her rental), but I'm still unsure about what to do about this weekend.

I feel I've been a bit of a pushover so far, and I'm very keen to avoid cake eating...

[sandi2]

You flagged me down on another thread and said you had a question. I will try to answer the best that I know, and if I don't know......I will tell ya.

[srt]

Hi Sandi, thanks so much for the reply. My dilemma is I'm unsure how I should react to W request to spend family time together as per my last 2 posts.

I can see arguments either way - tough love for the "no thanks" and 180, and for the kids to say "OK yes lets do that". Further detail above.

REALLY unsure about this one, and genuinely lost.

[srt]

sorry I meant to say agreeing to this kind of is a 180 (even though I'd be going if she hadn't asked) and would also be nice for kids

[srt]

Bump for sandi reply

[sandi2]

Look at what you said in your first post:

Wife had EA Oct 12, after discovery things improved for a couple of years, then slowly soured. I felt I couldn't trust her and she was being secretive and giving all signs of being in an A.
ILLBINILWY Jan 15, this knocked me for six, no idea what to do or where to turn, didn't help I'd been withdrawing and not getting involved as much as I should have. W family v enmeshed/controlling and she had v little time for me.
BD Aug 16, again shellshocked but with hindsight I should have seen it coming. W moved out with kids Sep 15.
Currently I am getting IC, and we are both in MC, but W says she does not want to R. Getting scared of D and effect on D&S.

This appears to be a repeated behavior for both of you. Whatever method was applied in 2012 did not work for the long haul.

She seems determined to D you........oh, but wait.......she wants to continue the whole happy family routine. She needs a news flash that tells her divorced couples do not continue being best buds and doing things as a family. That's called a marriage, not a divorce.

I should add to this that in the last "R" "chat" we had W was saying she had "messed up" and "[censored] everything and everyone up" regarding our M

So? Why do you think she wants to continue doing things like a family? Until her actions matches her words......do not believe anything has changed.

[srt]

thanks Sandi, I guess I'd been unsure whether to remain the doormat and invite her to come along, or risk her goign in the huff.
What I'm going to do is go anyway, and if she wants to come she's going to have to speak up, contact me and turn up herself. She knows when the event is.
I certainly won't be inviting her or announcing what time I'm going.

I really do feel I've made some really important changes for me, also now realising the HUGE negative effect she allowed her family to have on her and our marriage.

Thanks

[sandi2]

I guess I'd been unsure whether to remain the doormat and invite her to come along, or risk her goign in the huff.

Why would a man ever have "remain the doormat" as one of his options? And, why would he think it's some type of risk-taking if she goes in a huff?

Men just aren't very attractive without b@lls.

[srt]

Hi Sandi, I assume you mean that she is still "cake eating" unless she is saying she wants family things to happen, and SHE is actively instigating them.

She ended up coming to the event at the weekend, I thought I could handle it, but afterwards wished she hadn't. Any tips on a non-confrontational way to refuse these in future? I don't want her to be able to say I'm deliberately doing stuff to get back at her, but equally I want to start laying down some boundaries as I feel helpless in the situation.

This week will be interesting, D has birthday and I think a small party at W condo. I'm unsure if I want to go, I'd rather keep dropping contact with W as it just depresses me. However I still want to see D on her birthday and ensure she gets her presents. I might arrange a small party for her the next night at mine, still unsure about this. Any advice or tips from fellow DB'ers with young kids on how to approach this?