LBS back--piecing--but still regret not DB

[Vanilla]

Your insights from the other side of this mountain are valuable blu thank you for posting them.

My observation is that DB has to become a second skin, GAL and extreme self care becoming automatic.

Those who repair themselves have the most rewarding lives. Those who take the process with authenticity have the greatest rewards.

By doing DB and that which works for us, we repair, we outgrow our M and require a new one even with the same partners.

By taking care of our needs we become those who are strong enough.

There is a sense in which the end goal is seen as R, even new R with our spouse. I am unsure that's the complete story, they may no longer be worthy of us without working on themselves. We may accept them as they are if we so choose, that is our right, flawed in all ways that humans can be flawed. Detachment and self care are prime requirements in my experience. We can just let them be and travel at their own pace if we wish or decide to move on with our lives. We know detachment is different to being unattached. We know that moving forward is different to moving on. We know that letting go is different from letting out. We know that standing is different from codependency. That GAL is part of the PMA and not merely a distraction.

By DB we grow, we adapt, we shift, we connect with our higher power and create a new environment and level of health. Some of us address FOO, career changes, learn new skills, get healthy, and learn to deeply care and live ourselves. I have seen men and women become supremely successful as parents connecting with the precious children in their lives.

DB is about becoming self centred, and taking myriads of view points, receiving 2x4s and giving them. To post to others and know we can misread their sitch, but still offer the support that we have been given.

Above all it is becoming detached from the outcome.

Even in piecing being detached from maintenence of the fragile R. I do not read that detachment in your posts.

An A of any kind is a symptom of dissatisfaction with oneself, truly most A are about how the wayward feels about themselves whilst in the A and not about love or A partner. The wayward loves how the A makes them feel and they are selfish until the A too inevitably goes from the limmerance phase. Limmerance usually only lasts for 1 to 2 years then new stages in R develop, that requires maturity. To maintain the feeling the wayward or the AP may move on to a new A, perhaps even a better quality one. Alternately they may wake up and know that the fault lies in their stars. Most A partners are affair down and anyone who will have an A isn't necessarily a quality individual for life long partnership. In time remorse and in time contempt for the A partner may arise, will the A partner move on to another A? If they will have an A with you then they have the capacity to also cheat on you, there is always uncertainty in it, so the wayward always knows this deep down. My little sis xWH had an A with a woman who is actually no better than a tramp, he brought this tramp to his daughters wedding reception and introduced her as his fiance. He broke his marriage for this awful woman, who stood sulking, over made up but dressed as if she had just come in from gardening in dirty jeans. They neither touched nor talked the whole time, my sense was this was a brave faced show. Tacky tacky and so visible to all. (My little sis has moved on and is remarried).

Your once WH may see this in his OW. A partners often don't stand close scrutiny in the full light of day and in ordinary domesticity the pall of a secret A is visible. The wayward will rarely return to a tramp or scuzzy once the glow is gone.
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Your RH (reformed husband) may not be worthy of you, you may need to move on. Your love for yourself, your children and your new life being greater than your need to R with RH.

That's ok, to detatch from whether the piecing process will work. It's ok to have doubts, it's ok to say this isn't for me, no matter how much you atone I hold you accountable and I lack trust in you. You can still R knowing this, it is your choice.

To make another earn your trust and forgiveness is to punish them, to create hurdles that they may never rise above. Let go of the need to trust and forgive. Just let it be. If another says they need that from you to be in an R with you, then they place their burden on to you. They still have work to do, that is their burden to shoulder not yours. Yours is to work on you.

My view on forgiveness is also very different, as I see this you do not have to forgive. Somethings are unforgiveable, and forcing forgiveness because society says it will heal you is destructive to you. It is the other who seeks forgiveness for themselves as a way of letting themselves off the hook. Too easy and in essence atonement, true atonement is needed before the wayward can forgive themselves. You forgiving them is no substitute for self love, forgiveness and self trust that they need for themselves.

You can R without romantic love, forgiveness or trust, although that's unlikely to work unless there is friendship and from that friendship connection. We can have sex with friendship and build some connection through sexual healing. In this we have to be at minimum attracted to the one who cheated and they to us. That is where DB is important to become someone only a fool would leave in their attraction to us. We ask ourselves are we truly attracted to the wayward, if all we want is to win over an A partner or to punish then there is more work to do. In this we can be ready to say I am not attracted to you at this moment, it is your choice to stay knowing that. I may never reach that point with you or I may do so and this is the consequence of you having an A. I will let you know about this uncertainty when I am clear. It is also your choice to keep this as your circus your monkeys.

At any point be prepared to move on.

Offering basic friendship form a loving heart is enough in my book, and is more than that in it leaves the door unlocked. To validate and learn to communicate is core to DB. I would also add that DB is a way of life for me now in all my Rs, both Rs which long lasting and very short term. Until I am D I will not date so the R I refer to are every day R, my family, friends coworkers and even the server in the coffee shop. I DB my little socks off, failing often!

The irony is that the more we struggle with romantic love, forgiveness and trust the less likely it is to be. Some may see that in my sitch there has been so much abuse that my self preservation will say no R. And I observe that in my sitch and those who have experienced abuse walking is more effective as a strategy than standing. I have one big advantage in this process an extra layer called twelve steps, this is because my wayward was a cross addicted abuser.As a result I come into contact with those who manage Rs with addicts and cross addiction consequences, thone who are successful manage their R through detachment. They have come to terms with the fact they do not have to forgive or trust if they do not want to do that. An A is an addiction requiring a process not unlike twelve steps for both the cheater and the betrayed. Both have work to do on themselves, the DBer has an enormous advantage, they have grieved and grown.

Be authentic to yourself, detach from the piecing outcome and continue to put your own needs to the fore. Your RH has a long journey to make and starts on the back position whereas you are in pole. Keep your racing engines moving forwards.

Keep healing and trust to the process. Let go of your need for RH to hold up his end, he may or he may not. Not your circus and not your monkeys.

This DB process is about growing up, learning skills and maturity. It is for life.

That is the way I see this.

V