I can't pretend to understand your sitch entirely because I do think there are fundamental differences for why women in hetero Rs stray versus men. It seems like W build up loneliness and resentment over a long time--they try and tell H, but H doesn't get it--and then turn to a new R, while H is oblivious and it's often too late. I hate to gender stereo-type, but I have seen a lot of that here.
In the case of my H, he never shared his feelings of unhappiness with me and just wanted to "be the good H and dad," all the while building up resentment towards me because he didn't ever stand up to me or create his own life for himself. So, he buried his feelings and need, and then OW was right their pursing him and rescuing him. So, he ran, and then justified it by blaming me.
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Probably should've quoted this in my other post as well.
Again, couldn't be more textbook. In therapy, W had said there was a distance and she tried many times to rekindle the closeness we once had, and how I just blatently ignored her. I I just didn't see the signs. Then the OM came in and worked her over the span of a few months. It was slow. I can tell the pattern, she resisted at first, tried to get close to me, but when that didn't happen, she became the cake eater. Enjoying sex with me while having her emotional needs met by him. Then over time it got physical with him, then the guilt, then the breaking up over the guilt, then the reconnection with him when things didn't connect with us.
Oh, how I hated that blame shifting. It tore my heart out when we first went into therapy and she started justifying the A. Over time, though, she would start saying, "I KNOW what I did was the wrong choice..." then start the blame shifting, lol. She was a grade A people pleaser as well. She gives so much of her time to others, that sometimes our family got put on the back burner. This is when she started being the people pleaser to the OM, making him birthday cakes, showering him with texts (when I pulled the phone records, the ratio was like 5:1 her texting him. The less he responded, the more she texted. When he didn't answer, she'd send pics to get his attention).
A good source of help here has been TxHubby. He's really helped me realize that the person you're married to isn't that same person during the A. I know my W is a completely different woman now and is showing remorse, giving me attention the OM would've gotten, and doing everything she can to salvage the marriage. We get along better these last 4-5 weeks than we did the last 2 years. The mental movies are torture, though. Did this ever happen before? Was there others in the past that she hasn't told me about? Was my whole marriage a sham? So much doubt has been cast in your mind...that you wonder if reconciling is worth it.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
