It's officially been a week now that I've been in my new place. I'm still getting things straightened out and getting used to the new routine. I like it so far!
So, this week was pretty cool. I completed a big project and it got a lot of attention... Was showcased on 6 different news stations. I am super proud of myself. I haven't felt a strong sense of pride in a while so it feels extra incredible.
On the other end of the pendulum, I am feeling really, really, really guilty, shameful, and even hypocritical... I'm liking a guy who is not my husband. We've been on three dates and I'm very much attracted to him. I Have no clue if I'm making a mistake by allowing myself to date (I went on one date with a different gentleman a few months ago and I really knew I wasn't read then)... But now I'm feeling like it's ok to test the waters. The thing is, I'm enjoying our conversations and we're having fun. He's incredible at listening and validating!!! I think that's what I appreciate most. He doesn't have to agree with me but he appreciates that I have a point of view. Yesterday, when I told him about my project, he said- "that's fantastic, i know how hard you were working on it. You must feel ecstatic." I melted!
So, today I'm feeling resentful because I should be having fun with H. I should be up talking at all hours with him, I should be sharing life's ups and downs with him. I'm feeling guilty because by dating, I've stooped to his level. Have I thrown in the towel? Am I ruining any chance of reconciling (even when that doesn't seem to be an option?) I've been mulling this over and I've shed a few tears over it.
Clearly, I'm in no place to be planning a future with this new guy. I'm just allowing myself to be and feel and it's allowed me to feel attracted to him. I didn't know if that would ever be possible again. And who knows, I could learn a new side of him tomorrow and be completely turned off... Truth is it doesn't matter as I'm taking it very slowly and one day at a time. It's fun learning to do something for the first time again, but I am also feeling guilty and ashamed. I vowed to be rock solid during all of this and here I am just a year after BD and I'm moving on.
It took courage for me to share that as i know I am in the company of those who have stayed true to the course... I feel sheepish for even posting this. Especially after Rouky made that incredibly kind comment about me having values and morals. Well, I guess I'm just as bad the MLCer.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
