Ups and Downs (III)

[Zues126]

J,

I got through by keeping a laser focus on one thing: Making my choices impeccable.

The world isn't fair and doesn't work the way I wish it did. In my case things worked out absolutely unfairly. A woman that I gave my life to and supported for 10 years kicked me out of the house, had a series of affairs, and filed for divorce. The results?

Her: She retained the house, latched onto the kids where I had roughly 10 hours a week with them as 'visitation', didn't work a single hour since BD nearly 2 years ago, has lived on estimated maintenance and support payments and tons of government aide, and finally took one college course which she failed. Her days consist of hanging out with the children, partying at night, and having guys sleep over in what was our marital bed, all the while feeling entitled to this lifestyle and me supporting her entirely because I am the dad of her kids.

Me: I live in a two bedroom apartment with my 3 kids sharing one bedroom, working a corporate high stress B2B sales job trying to support two households, while fighting for increasing opportunity to be a part of my children's life as birthdays pass and days and months and years roll by.

J, this is sick. Disgusting. Repulsive. The fact that our court system somehow supports this is loathsome. The fact that society agrees with this is hideous. I say society agrees because probably many women that read this will wonder what I feel is wrong about this, so maybe this will fail to serve as an example because the indentured servitude of males post divorce is so normalized that people might not even see a problem, just like people would have thought you were crazy for suggesting slavery was wrong 300 years ago. But it is absurd. Point is that in the beginning it seemed to outrageous I didn't know how to handle it.

But then I just decided that I wouldn't worry about any of it. I'd just focus on how I responded.

So I made the best choices I could. Worked hard. Was a good dad during the time I had my children. Cooperated where I could as a coparent. Got good legal council. Did my best to be a strong man and make healthy choices every day. Tried to model strength to my children. And above all to be appreciative.

Because while it is twisted that I have to pay for the next 4 years+ to support my XW, and while my quality of life has been 25% of hers despite doing 100% of the earning...I am still VERY blessed by the life I have. I am healthy. I have good family, friends, and awesome children. I have a rewarding and high paying career. I have some amazing talents that bring me joy. And quite frankly if you ranked every human that has ever lived on Earth throughout history by quality of life I would still be in the top .01%. So, really...what am I griping about?

So J, by being appreciative for what I have, and focused on doing right by my own standards day by day, great things have happened for me. This last year has been so fulfilling for me, and 2016 is looking even brighter. My children and I have never been closer, I have probably never been happier, and I am content. Deep down content, for the first time I can remember. And I can sleep like a baby at night knowing I am proud of the choices I've made.

Funny thing is as time passes, our choices ultimately make our reality. My lease is up 7/1, and I will be moving into a bigger place, with more room for my children, and room for a pool table (hooray!). I am getting better at my job and have the potential to make more, much more in the future. And there is some financial closure on this situation, so while I may have to pay her unthinkable sums of money for breaking her vows, and while she will get to keep the home which has 12 years left on the mortgage which was going to be my retirement while I start renting a house now with a 5 year plan to start all over again by 2020...my quality of life is going up. Oh, 50% custody starting 6/1/16. So bigger place, more money, and kids half the time. And in a few short years the maintenance will go away, and I will literally have another salary on top of what I make now (yes, it is gross what she gets for walking away). Meanwhile, for her? Well, she will have to reap what she sows. Maybe she'll do well for herself, maybe not, I don't know and I don't really care. But in the end, she has to live with herself, and I just have to deal with her for two emails a month.

My point is J that by doing what's right and being appreciative for what you have you can find peace and joy in the here and now, and that your future will gradually become what you make of it. Yes, there is some short term heartbreak, no, you can never replace a lost marriage to the parent of your children, the world isn't fair. But if you play your cards right you will feel good about who you are and will be open to the joy around you.

As for you, I would just voice all of your concerns to your L, then trust them to steer you in the best way possible. Will you avoid every pitfall? Nope. Maybe you get the short end of the stick in some ways. In fact, it's likely, because there's no way to divide up two lives exactly fairly, it will be bumpy. But in the end it's what you do with the life that you have left after the surgery that will determine your future. And it's what you do to appreciate the life you have now that is the biggest predictor of something more important...how much you will be able to enjoy your future.

Take care,

A J fan.