Blindsided and Lost

[LiM]

Hi Nate,

So sorry you are here. Definitely devour that book when it comes. Come here and post and learn from others.

I too was checked out and poured my attention into all the wrong things. I emotionally neglected my family. I came to realize that and started making changes before I found out about my W's A. The 180's do seem backwards but they do work if you are genuine in your efforts to make changes. Make those changes for YOU so that YOU are a better person. Dont do it for her. Its hard to understand how detaching will work when you, like me, are guilty of not making them a priority in your life. But right now, she doesnt want your attention. NOTHING you do for HER will make her happy. It will only push her further away; especially if she is a WW. She has got to stop the A and come out of the fog before she will see the NEW you.
As an example, my WW told me (after we started piecing) that my detachment made her angry. She wondered why I wasn't checking on her. Why wasn't I asking how she was doing? I told her that if I had pursued her that it would have pushed her away. The very next thing out of her mouth was to agree with me! She even talked to a friend and asked the friend the same thing and the friend also told her that it would have pushed her away. Right now, she doesnt want your attention. So pour all your effort into YOU. Detachment is about not letting her control your emotional state so that you can take care of you.
You didnt arrive at this place in life overnight and it won't be fixed overnight. Be patient and work hard on YOU. Let her do whatever she feels she needs to do. Nothing you can say or do for her right now will have any impact. So let her go. Let go of your M. Thats how you will have a fighting chance of getting it back. The DB book should really be titled "How to save your M when you are the only one that gives a Sh!T." Right now, you are the only one fighting for your M and you do that by focusing on you.