Phoebe, that is why I am here! Knowing that you are not the only one is key to realizing that you are not alone, that all humans make mistakes, and that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Easier said than done; I still have a lot of shame.

Honestly, even a couple years later--and my H has been back for about a year--I still have moments of shock. "Did that really happen?" "Who is this man?" "How could he have done this?" "I still don't get it" I still terribly miss the way I felt about him before--I loved him unconditionally, I trusted him, he was my BF, he was the nicest guy, and I NEVER thought it was capable of hurting me. I am still wrapping my head around this. Acceptance is hard.

So that is why we have to take care of ourselves and give
ourselves permission to let go a little and live life. Practice with baby steps--ie, for the next 4 hours I will enjoy my time doing this and not thinking of H. Learn to self love one step at a time until it becomes a little bit easier. That is how confidence is built--trying, then trying again, and eventually mastery. That genuine confidence is also what attracts others to us.

You are correct, what you had before--that M--is over now. It is a huge loss. Allow yourself all the time you need to grieve it and feel sad. But he is not a different person and he is not gone; he may be gone from your life right now, but he is still who he is--all the things you loved about him and all those things you didn't like. I am sure there were things you didn't like. He is in a crisis, he is in a fog, and he is making TERRIBLE decisions, but he is not just a different person. He has to learn on this journey in his own way, and as much as you want to influence that, you cannot control him or manipulate him.

I am running out the door, but I will post again about the last questions. The financial part is very scary, but their are laws to protect you and those laws are still in place whether you take any action now or later. You do not have to make any decisions today.

More later. Take care--take a few hours off and let your mind rest. Chronic stress is not healthy!

-blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela