My story job 9140 (4)

[GWH]

That's what this place is for brother. Don't expect anything. Hang in there your doing good.

[Jb9140]

Sandi

I know that you say that the LBS has to be strong and ready for all the WW trickery. I've read as much as I can that you've posted, along with a lot of success stories on this forum. When you mentioned that the LBS must be studied up, besides the things I've mentioned, do you recommend any books or material that deals directly with the WW\infidelity.

Thanks

[Jb9140]

All right. So I've been reading almost everyday for the last couple months. The last couple week I've been reading a lot of old stories of success from a few years or so back.

First, I've been selfish and taken my wife for granit the last couple years. That being said, the way she has walked away, gotten into a affair, or what ever she's done is completely unacceptable to me. Today I've finally starting to understand that I've got to man up. Regardless what transpires in the next year in regards to my wife's relationships or lack of, I'm working on me

I finally see my main problem is action. I've set on the sidelines my whole life and rolled with the punches. I finally seeing that my wife truly is a emotional terrorist. Well no longer in regards to me.

I'm fully committed to DBting the [censored] out of this situation I,m in. I'm committed to take action and journaling as much as possible.

I'm committed to becoming a divorce busting success story. Which will not be contingent on me saving my marriage

[CWOL]

How did you find the success stories? There was a post before but I found most of the links dead.
I have read through some old threads but it was rather gloomy, most ended up divorced.

[Jb9140]

Oct 14-28, 2014 | W cheating and near-separation in 2009, search for explanations for BD 2014
Oct 28-Nov 4 | OM confirmed through kids on Halloween, refocus on me rather than blaming W
Nov 4-10 | OM confirmed by W in email, strollergate, W has problems at work, unexpected blind date
Nov 10-18 | Lunch with W went well, reflections on being dumped, kids and OM
Nov 18-Dec 8 | W warms up but OM set to move in in January, W's birthday email
Dec 8-Jan 2, 2015 | To be nice or not to be, two trips make me feel better, office party video
Jan 2-16 | Turning down lunch invite, telling W I need to move on, W emails about D
Jan 16-31 | WAW wants to change job, move to her country, I agree to meet
Feb 2-25 | Plans for moving abroad are nixed, D papers are delayed at my request, flirting experiments begin
Feb 27-Mar 24 | D7 birthday plans, PMA crash, serial cheating, dating debate, detachment at last?
Mar 24-Apr 29 | Great dating debate, the expensive watch, GALing better, my tone on these forums
May 5-Jun 17 | Online dating, crying at the school play, genetics of cheating, mediation begins


My story
After 9.5 years together and two kids, my W announced in early September 2014 that she wanted a separation. A week of pleading and begging didn't change a thing. She said she wanted to be free, alone, find her true self, that I was criticizing her too much, that we're incompatible, that she was unhappy and no longer in love with me and she didn't want to live with half-emotions. She had told me before of some of those complaints and that she was miserable. We had not yet addressed everything, we would fight more than average, and I wasn't changing fast enough, so she was growing hopeless that things would improve.

A week after BD, she moved out. A month and a half later, she confirmed my suspicions that she was with a coworker, met at the new job she started a month before BD. He moved in with her in January. Our two daughters know and like him enough and generally take the S in strides.

DBing
I accept responsibility for what I did in the M, by being too critical and dismissive of my W's feelings. I understand that my W was looking for something she wasn't finding in the M. I sometimes understand why she left, since she was miserable, and sometimes think leaving was too strong a reaction for the situation. I tend to blame her flight reflex and unrealistic expectations for love and family life. My heart wants to R, but my head tells me that it's a pattern with her and that I better not expose myself to it again.

My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant so the "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me. After nine months and little contact, I can say that detachment is taking hold. I see a therapist since BD and I've also started dating in May (8 months after BD).
_________________________________________________

SUCCESS STORIES
I update this list every time I start a new thread. Please make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.

Reconciliation
Thornton (M) - May to July 2014
Train (W) - Reconciled in 2014
Labug (W) - March 2011 to December 2013
HopefulStill - reconciled in 2012
minkerman (M) - Reconciled after 4 months in 2008
25yearsmlc (W) - 2005 to August 2008
FaithfulH - Reconciled in 2007
sandi2 (W) - 2007
Coach (M) - 2008
MrBond (M) - Used to have another screen name
Starsky309 (M) - (ChocolateEyes, Puppy Dog Tails) - Aug 2007 to 2009. Exposed his W's A.
Butterflymom127 and FavoriteWeirdo - Thread
LITB (M) - December 2010 to May 2012
Raine (W) - Dec 2012 to November 2014 (MLC)
ReachingHigher (W) - April 2012 to May 2014
SM34 (M) - December 2012 to December 2013
AliSuddenly (W) - H left in January 2008, moved out, had OW. Piecing May 2009, married July 2010
kalni (W) - BD on November 2007, piecing in January 2010
Angel61 (W)- BD June 2010, H had EA, Retrouvailles November 2011

Piecing as of 2014-2015
(newly added) Kramer (M)
(newly added) edz (M)
Jefe (M)
T0324 (W) H leaves in Febr 2014, filed for D, had OW, piecing fails in Aug 2014, piecing again in Mar 2015
Crimson (M)
Heart14 (W) Signs 2014-02, DB 2014-07, Piecing since 2014-07
Nitty - BD in December 2013, piecing as of September 2014

Letting go
Love2Surf (M) - March 2010 to 2012
pearlharbr (W) - November 2008 to June 2010 (19 months)
Snow White (W) - 2008-2009. Let go when her H wanted back in.
Drew (M) - 2008
BigMac (M) - June 2014 to February 2015 WAW offered R at the last minute and he turned it down
Underdog (Betsey) D final in May 2005

Resources
Validation | Boundaries | Detachment | Dance of Pursuit and Distance | Acronyms | Stockdale paradox
The sandi2 collection: The Wayward Wife | It takes time | Letting back too easy
Wonka: The Starter kit / Post-BD plan of action

These are some great items to sift through. I'll be looking at these stories shortly

[CWOL]

Awesome! I started reading some of the threads and am encouraged!

[sandi2]

I am copying a post I made to another newcomer. I am short on time at the moment, so I hope you don't mind. The advice goes for you....and anyone who has a wayward spouse.

If you will listen and to take to heart what I am about to suggest, I think it could work in a couple of ways. She thinks you are going to want to reconcile and expects you to be offering to take her out and do things as a family. In other words, she plans to eat large servings of cake. I believe you should completely throw her plans for a loop.

The one thing she doesn't expect is to see you "enjoy" life without her. Every time she sees you, you are in a hurry to get somewhere for unexplained "plans". You never have time for her, anymore! Even when she calls, you don't seem too broken up or lonely. You seem as if you are very contented, living as a single guy. The kids come home talking about the great time they had with daddy and how happy he was. She wonders what is going on. So, she starts asking questions about where he's going, who with, (especially who with). She gets frustrated b/c she doesn't get a clear answer with details (especially details). She tries buttering up, pouting, crying, giving a cold shoulder, and showing her anger........but nothing works. She starts trying to find out from others what you are doing.

Now, this may sound like nothing more than games to you, but I assure you that there is one thing all WW's have in common. Actually there are many things, but my point is that they see themselves as dumping the H. They don't consider he might dump her. They never see him being the one to get over her and adjust so happily to single life. And one thing for certain, she never intended for her position to be replaced!! The one thing that usually never fails to be seen in a woman is when she realizes she is about to lose her H........she won't be ready. And the double whammy is for her to realize SHE put him on the market. It turns everything around for her. She is suddenly very interested and when she sees he isn't particularly interested in getting quickly back with her.......SHE WANTS HIM!

Here is what I want you to understand clearly. I am not telling you to date other women. I am telling you to get your calendar down and pencil in every weekend, holiday, special occasion, and the days in between. Have something planned if it's nothing more than going to the mall, library, park, or for a walk. It is key that you not share it with her. Never tell her a lie or give some fable excuse. Just don't give her the information she's trying to dig out of you.........and she will try. This is called being mysterious, like MWD says in her DR book. It piques the interest in your W. She won't tell you, so that is why I am telling.

Let her wonder what you are doing. The more she is interested in you, the less she is interested in OM. Am I telling you to be deceitful? No, you really do need to GAL, b/c it will do wonders in restoring your confidence and mental attitude. It helps with the depression and loneliness. It helps you to not spend every waking moment thinking about the situation.

[Jb9140]

I'm on day 13 of NO Contact and I'm feeling pretty good. I went to Church last night, been going to the gym, and I'm taking a trip Saturday with a friend to the gulf to do some fishing. GAL seems to be working right now. I get the kids tonight and this sunday, so I'm enjoying my time with them. I feel this physical separation was actually needed at this point in the game. Work is also going good and I've been able to save a lot of money latley. May need this extra money done the road speaking of Divorce, wife actually hasn't brought that back up since Febuary. Well back to the journey. hope everyone has a good day.

[Jb9140]

Day 14 of no Contact. Work, Gym, Fishing trip tomorrow with good friend. I'm beginning to think she may be liking this No Contact;)
Well at least I'm doing something right in her eyes. LOL

[sandi2]

I bet you could not see yourself going 14 days without contacting her, when this first started.

How is your GAL going?