Oh, that is tough. Although I think you have a good understanding of your sitch. Try and be patient with this process. This could take a long time. That is why taking the focus off of her and working on you is a win-win. Become the strong and confident man you want to be. Give her space, but don't block her or ignore her. You don't have to tell her when you are triggered--take a walk, scream in a pillow, go to the gym, call a friend... But bringing it to her may only make her feel worse. When she can open up, listen, validate, and then allow yourselves healthy distance too.
I can't pretend to understand your sitch entirely because I do think there are fundamental differences for why women in hetero Rs stray versus men. It seems like W build up loneliness and resentment over a long time--they try and tell H, but H doesn't get it--and then turn to a new R, while H is oblivious and it's often too late. I hate to gender stereo-type, but I have seen a lot of that here.
In the case of my H, he never shared his feelings of unhappiness with me and just wanted to "be the good H and dad," all the while building up resentment towards me because he didn't ever stand up to me or create his own life for himself. So, he buried his feelings and need, and then OW was right their pursing him and rescuing him. So, he ran, and then justified it by blaming me.
That is why Sandi's advise is gold! She has been there and she gets it. If I had to guess though, I would say that your W feels guilty and at times not deserving of your forgiveness. So your triggers only make her feel worse about herself. That is one thing that happens in my M: I feel triggered, I bring it to him, then he feels worse about himself. And round we go. Still a year later.
Piecing is a difficult balance of working on the R and why it fell apart initially. And often those 2 things can come into conflict! My H didn't open up about his needs and feelings, was a people pleaser, and always wanted to be the nice guy. So I had no idea how unhappy he was! So now that he has burned me, he has to walk the fine line of learning to take care of his own needs and stand up to me, while simultaneously repairing the damage and earning my trust.
I am now trying hard not to be the one that walks away...
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
