More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Hello. I really want to thank everyone for all the nice posts over the last couple days. As BluWave reminded me, I am not very kind or gentle to myself sometimes, and it means a lot to find kindness here in this group.

So thank you, SadHub, V, BluWave, Painter, 1313, Rose, and JksD, Cherry, and CWOL, and anyone else who's checked in on me through this joy ride. I really appreciate it.

JksD, you gave me a really good laugh with the dynamite comment, and I needed it.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was busy all day long (a mere 5 hours of driving!!!) and spent quality, meaningful time with multiple people. Yes, I did hire two of them, but I really like them both and they are very good to me. I spent 3 HOURS with the grief counselor! She and I both like to chat, so after we covered the meeting topic, and that was about 2 hours, we sat for a while. We meet in her home, and we talked about her cat, or my story, or hers, or whatever came up. I really appreciate how free she has been with her time. Anyone that treats me well right now can win me over in a heartbeat. Good thing I'm not out dating, right? : )

Yes, trying to make a joke, because today is definitely not as good a day thus far. I went to sleep anxious, woke up anxious and shaky, and now I'm back to sad. Even kindness can set it off, so I read all your lovely posts and just started crying. Ah well. As my grief counselor tells me, "there is no way out, but through." If I let myself feel the sadness and pain, then it seems like it passes over me more quickly these days. I'm already feeling better than I was just 20 minutes ago when I sat down to the computer, so that's something!

Isn't it silly that kindness when you're sad can set off the waterworks? (Shaking head...)

After my second appointment yesterday, I had just enough time to run home, do my critter chores, then meet my Mom for our usual Thursday night outing. We have a meeting to go to together, and then we went to the Salvation Army and I found myself a $3 pair of jeans that were super comfy, cute, and fit well. I only shop at thrift stores, so at least it's cheap to get new clothes as I'm shrinking out of my old ones.

So I got a pretty quick reply from H, as I expected I would, but he really didn't say anything. Actually, the reply was off-putting. Something like 'writing, but can't find a constructive way to organize thoughts." That's it. Constructive, huh? Then a second email asking if I was doing OK, and telling me he is OK. Total afterthought. Part of me is like "Who the heck cares if you're OK, anyway?" Not going to respond to that silly weak preudo-temp check.

So, it's a Friday and I have no plans. I do OK on the weekdays, generally, but my support kind of falls off on the Friday to Sunday stretch. My neighbor friend spends time with her own H for the 3-day weekends, because he works out of town, so she's out of the picture. There are no visits to docs or therapists, my other friend lives out of state, and my parents need a break from me. Anyone want to go out? Just kidding.

My regular therapist is now giving me things. Sometimes it's a book to borrow and read, yesterday it was a handout on behavioral strategies for depression. Included was a list of 185 fun things to do. I scanned the list and joked with him that #7 was out (going on a date), and certainly #52 was a nonstarter (sex), and I'd prefer to stop #58 (losing weight)!!! Anyway, it was funny.

What I do need to do is deal with a large rodent (squirrel?) incursion into the skirting on my house. I went outside today and saw that there is a 4 inch hole in the wood and they pulled out a bunch of insulation. I've got to board that up PDQ. Always something...