OFP

[OFP]

Good morning ofp,
i read through your situation and it is all too familiar when dealing with a woman or a man who has been abused and severely neglected as a child.

I am impressed you actually read the whole story, and your response is all the more genuine because of it, I appreciate that!

Clearly we do not know her whole background, nor do i think you will ever really know what has gone on with her life....maybe the story would have been a little different or some details...but you did not hurt her like she is treating you. It will take some time for this, but I promise that truth is something you will have to come to terms with to move forward.

Thank you for this also... I spent the first 4 months really beating myself up over analyzing everything I ever said to her and what I could have done different.

Finding new and interesting activities, hobbies you used to love, new exciting ones, rediscover long ago neglected friendships, new encounters & friends, adventure...you are literally starting a new life.

Definitely struggling here, but also definitely connecting with old friends. Finding activities is the hardest part.

You are going to start looking at your life and seeing those behaviors that are not who you want to be. Effectively you and your wife turned you into a caretaker...someone who was willing to sacrifice yourself for her happiness...you likely based so much of your worth on this. I will let you on a secret...it would have never been enough. She would never been satisfied no matter how hard you worked and you ultimately would have lost yourself in the process.

This part rings true with recent realizations.... I agree 100%, it never would have been enough.

So you really need to start looking at these behaviors that you don't like about yourself...were you controlling, i will lay money you had lots of controlling tendencies, likely not to the extent she is making out to be, but men and women with abused backgrounds are hypersensitive to being controlled. There are a number of books you can read on the subject...codependency no more; no more mr nice guy are just two that spring to mind.

I actually already have the book "codependence no more" and started reading it, though I have not finished. I stopped when it became too painful to read. At the place I am at now, I may start reading again. From what I did read, it was clear that we had both played a serious role in it, not just one of us. She was very much looking for leadership when she was unable to make decisions on her own. I was controlling in trying to encourage/force her to make wise decisions.

As you start on your journey...you will see other behaviors that you do not like. These changes in you that i will be excited to read about from you...will be the backbone to your new and improved self. You are going to learn how to love
..free of strings.

Already over-analyzed, and for the last month or two have stopped. I don't have a relationship that triggers these issues, never have, except for dealing with the W. I keep thinking that I could have a better relationship, with someone more like myself. But they will never be the mother of my children, and that keeps me holding on.

Have you read any of cadets links? Have you read the db / dr books? There is a whole other forum topic about mlc...that would be another really awesome place to start.

Read most of Cadet's links, all that seemed applicable. No on the DB/DR books. WAY too much reading about MLC, some on this site, some on "loveanyway" site, and general research on the web.

Wow, maybe too much info to get going...but it is difficult for me to type small...one of my flaws

Don't worry, you aren't going to overwhelm me with typing... as you can probabaly tell from my posts!

EXTREME Self-care, finding the man you want to be and stopping any pressure on your wife...that is your mission right now. I have not mentioned saving your marriage, i will tell you this...your marriage cant be saved right now - not with things as they are...there is always hope...and your wife has a struggle that she needs to go through before that can happen (so do you).

I am struggling with the lack of there being something I can/should do. At this point we are absolutely not co-parenting. There are no pressing issues, but wondering if I should be taking a more aggressive approach at keeping her up to speed in what I am seeing in the children, and asking what she is seeing. So far her responses have been limited or none.

Side Note, Individual counseling will eventually need to come into play for you, to help decompress from all of this. Hopefully you can find someone who is familiar with adolescent abuse and the impacts as adults.

Already talking to an IC. Lots of time spent talking about W and her past. IC is encouraging me to stop letting W drive my bus!

A great way to help on this is journaling so you can see your own progress and to help get things out of your head (like I am sure you have been holding there for years) and learn to express yourself.

HUNDREDS of pages typed so far!