i read through your situation and it is all too familiar when dealing with a woman or a man who has been abused and severely neglected as a child.
Clearly we do not know her whole background, nor do i think you will ever really know what has gone on with her life. yes you have been there for her, you were her white knight who saved her from that past...but she never faced what happened and it has finally caught up to her.
Right now and for the foreseeable future, there is no effort you can take that will DIRECTLY repair your marriage or snap your wife back to the woman you remember. When everything is said and done, you will be a different person and hopefully she will be too.
I don't say this to discourage you, rather to open your eyes to a silver lining...you have a chance here to rediscover who you are and what you were meant to be as a man.
Right now you are in need for some mental gymnastics to understand that what has happened was not something you could have ever changed...maybe the story would have been a little different or some details...but you did not hurt her like she is treating you. It will take some time for this, but I promise that truth is something you will have to come to terms with to move forward.
What does that mean...time to turn the focus off of your wife. She is begging for time and space away from you and has literally gotten the law involved to make that happen.
So...(in total agreement with One Grate Dad) focusing on you. What does that look like. It starts with getting a life. Gal is going to be your biggest ally her. Learning to enjoy your existence on this earth. You are going to shed those old introvert scales and walk among the living. Finding new and interesting activities, hobbies you used to love, new exciting ones, rediscover long ago neglected friendships, new encounters & friends, adventure...you are literally starting a new life.
You are going to start looking at your life and seeing those behaviors that are not who you want to be. Effectively you and your wife turned you into a caretaker...someone who was willing to sacrifice yourself for her happiness...you likely based so much of your worth on this. I will let you on a secret...it would have never been enough. She would never been satisfied no matter how hard you worked and you ultimately would have lost yourself in the process.
So you really need to start looking at these behaviors that you don't like about yourself...were you controlling, i will lay money you had lots of controlling tendencies, likely not to the extent she is making out to be, but men and women with abused backgrounds are hypersensitive to being controlled. There are a number of books you can read on the subject...codependency no more; no more mr nice guy are just two that spring to mind.
As you start on your journey...you will see other behaviors that you do not like. These changes in you that i will be excited to read about from you...will be the backbone to your new and improved self. You are going to learn how to love ..free of strings.
Have you read any of cadets links? Have you read the db / dr books? There is a whole other forum topic about mlc...that would be another really awesome place to start.
Wow, maybe too much info to get going...but it is difficult for me to type small...one of my flaws
EXTREME Self-care, finding the man you want to be and stopping any pressure on your wife...that is your mission right now. I have not mentioned saving your marriage, i will tell you this...your marriage cant be saved right now - not with things as they are...there is always hope...and your wife has a struggle that she needs to go through before that can happen (so do you). first you need to work on yourself. You need to learn how to love yourself. You need to learn how to enjoy your life. How to be the best father you can, how to live for you, how to be strong in the midst of the storm, how to be the man only a fool would leave.
You have time. Learn to appreciate those things in your life which help keep you alive. Keep working hard, keep focus on your relationship with your kids...that cannot slip here, they need you too now more than ever. Go give your parents a huge hug and thank them for helping you through this. I always said i'd never go back home to my folks house...but that is BS, your strength to do that has opened my eyes to that...so thank you!
I am truly sorry this has happened to you and your family. I wish for you that the pain will all go away, and it can certainly if you work towards it...it first take a step towards the new you, so start with some goals, getting out and looking at what you can start with on GAL and self-improvement!!!
Side Note, Individual counseling will eventually need to come into play for you, to help decompress from all of this. Hopefully you can find someone who is familiar with adolescent abuse and the impacts as adults.
A great way to help on this is journaling so you can see your own progress and to help get things out of your head (like I am sure you have been holding there for years) and learn to express yourself.
