I had a nervous breakdown at my IC the other night. Everything finally came to a head. A lot of stuff came out, but one thing I know for sure my IC said is I have to stop wasting energy on him. While my breakdown didn't have to do with him directly, I recently found out the new girl came before we officially ended things. He had a back up plan. And this has happened to me with the man I married, and some guys I have dated. So it was a huge trigger and set me back. I know it's his way of escaping things that are real, nonetheless, it hurt.

IC and I did agree I need to not give him anymore energy. It's been difficult, but I am getting there. I was in a good place with him until I found all of this out.

I have been working out a lot, which is why I am so tired. I take D* to swim, we hang out there until I take my exercise class and we get home a little before 8pm. I have been watching my diet very well, mostly because I do not have the energy to eat, lol. My exercise keeps me sane and I am looking good.

I discussed with IC how I want my ex to take an extra week night every now and then, but I know he won't take it. Then we discussed getting a babysitter once a week, but I won't be able to get ex to pay for his half, it will be a battle. I am just doing everything on my own. I have zero help. No one.

So here is the truth. I thought I finally found the guy who was going to be the ticket out of this life and into a partnership. 8 years of being alone, and I was/am done. I thought I finally going to share the good, the bad, and the responsibilities of everyday life with someone else. We talked about our future together like that, although it was just talk on his end, but I let myself feel it. It felt hopeful about my future for the first in a long time. When it was taken away, I felt hopeless. And then I was triggered by this other woman. he will probably have her moved in no time, because that's his MO, and she isn't a risk because she wouldn't be picking up her whole life. It brought me back to ex and OW and how I felt OW got what I was supposed. The marriage, the family, ect. Of course, I logically get that part was just a trigger.

Raw truth. I can't get over this because I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel in which I feel like I have been trapped in for so long. MY IC things it's normal as can be, we are meant to be couples in this world, partners, and I have gone for so long without it. It doesn't make me needy or weak, it just makes me real and human.

So, time to get over it, so I can get the real deal one day in my life. I am not going to lose hope.