You and I are in a similar sit, and we focus too much on the S. I'm telling you and I at the same time, there is no us or we, there may never be again. You and I need to 'do us' and try to only spend 5% thinking about the S, their fog, their thoughts, and actions. Our process is to make us better, stronger, more complete, for us.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
- Our MC was manipulated in seeing nothing wrong with my WWs behaviour. Going to use a different dr for IC. - WW still says that she cannot trust herself, thats why she wants out of the marriage, and will visit the OP when he comes to the city even though "he is not interested" in her, they're just friends. LOL - WW does not want to go for IC, but i am going. - I gave no hugs to my WW, even though about 4 or 5 were requested from her.
I am calm, I am in control and I know what i want from my life.
-I think you guys have a bad MC. Especially since she said there's no hope for couples counseling... what kind of counselor says that??
That is actually a sign of a great counselor. Because he clearly sees that there is NO POINT in MC if both parties are not decided on working hard for the marriage...
So i've read BluWave's thread and WOW. I am focusing too much on how what i do impacts on my WW.
I can see the guilt on her face, in her voice. She knows that I do not trust her, and she has inverted it so that she cannot trust me either. As though I am going to somehow plot revenge and do the same to her, just to get back at her. I actually told her, "do not let me not trusting you, become an excuse for you not making the right choice, I must learn to trust you again, even if / when we are divorced".
I do need to DB better, but i think that day 3 of detachment went well. She was seeking my attention like the good old days. And I was ignoring her plight like the bad old days. But this things is counter-intuitive so I will just have to be strong, become comfortable with the twisty turning tummy and continue moving forward, for me.
@darknes, yes, that includes pressing ahead with the divorce proceedings, slowly :-)
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
So i told my WW that i am going to go out tomorrow afternoon, and i'll return later in the evening, around 10ish. I said that I don't know where i'm going, but i need to get out. She replied with "so we don't tell each other where we go anymore". I said that I am "undecided as to where I plan on going".
She then asked for the login for the tracking device in the car, so that she could see where I was when she wanted to. I do use it to find out her whereabouts, but don't think that I should give her the same access.
What do you think?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I love your honesty Vapo. I need to get past worrying what she's thinking, it's sooo difficult to change that mindset after 10 years, it is only day 4 of detach!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
OK.....Now we're starting to actually get somewhere.
Originally Posted By: DDJ
As for what i did wrong in our marriage, I know what I did, I did it everyday but i never realised the impact it would have...
1 - My W loved attention, she craved it and i gave it in abundance in the first 4 years, she was a size 6, but went all the way to a size 12 by the time we got married. I even commented on her weight on our honeymoon cruise. I could not look at her body - she was not perfect anymore. I am shallow. Many guys would comment at how great she looked, why couldn't her H appreciate her for her? Have you read the 5 Love Languages? This sounds like a "Words of Affirmation" issue.
2 - Part of the attention was her just talking and rambling on about nothing. I used to listen attentively and loved the nonsense, since i'm highly analytical. Then i got tired, when i got into bed, i rolled over and went to sleep. She loved talking before going to sleep. i just didn't care. And this sounds like a "Quality Time" issue. The question I have is whether these comments stem from you thinking about how you receive love and apply it to her or you thinking about how she receives love and how you failed. Any thoughts?
3 - I see myself as an over-achiever, big ego, and have a wife that just wants to achieve, smaller ego. But i created a monster by trying to elevate her to my level, instead of letting her be herself. i wanted someone else, and lost my respect for her. Why can't she be like me, have a plan, do something with her life? But that's me. My W is a simple girl from a rural area, thats why i fell in love with her - she was my exact opposite (i'm tearing up as i type this). So what will you do to change your mindset.behavior going forward?
4 - I consciously kept her insecure from day 1. Always commenting on how pretty other girls are. Thinking that if she thought i'd leave, she'd hold on tighter. It definitely worked, until she realised that she could hold onto someone else, and did not need me. Again, what will you do to change your mindset.behavior going forward?
This is a start. Let's keep going. Likely, there are more things.
Think about this from your perspective, from her perspective, and from an outsider's perspective. Once it's all out on the screen, we can then move on to next steps.
I actually told her, "do not let me not trusting you, become an excuse for you not making the right choice, I must learn to trust you again, even if / when we are divorced".
Read this again. It's so incredibly INvalidating.
Why is what you think the "right" choice?
Put yourself in her shoes and imagine what you would think after hearing this. It's very controlling.
As though I am going to somehow plot revenge and do the same to her, just to get back at her.
Originally Posted By: DDJ
well, i'm attaching everything to the divorce, including her mothers estate, as there was no will. This will mean that she will leave the marriage with absolutely nothing.
