He's had a lot longer than you to prepare for this emotionally, and he holds all the power right now. I wonder if there is a way you can find some power - it could help you feel more on top of this situation...
Have you ever tried hypnotherapy? I have and it actually helped me a lot!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
JujuB, of course you are going to be emotional. Why would you not be? You are going through something that only a sociopath would not be emotional about. Don't beat yourself up over it, recognize it and use it as fuel to take a step forward... or two. May I ask what GALing have you done just for you lately. I see that you are helping with your friend's wedding.... but what have you done just for you to make you smile? And how often do you do things just for yourself?
IMO the more you take charge of your happiness the easier it is to drop that rope. However, I also strongly believe the more you think or focus on the dissolution of the marriage the more you get sucked into that abyss of depression and sadness. The physics principle (and Nike commercial) a body in motion tends to stay in motion. Well if you start making yourself happy I truly believe it will become a habit, just as if you let the sad thoughts infect you they can eventually consume you.
As for taking your dad to mediation as long as it is for support, I do not see a problem with it. He should know he is there for support not to advocate on your behalf.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
He's had a lot longer than you to prepare for this emotionally, and he holds all the power right now. I wonder if there is a way you can find some power - it could help you feel more on top of this situation...
Have you ever tried hypnotherapy? I have and it actually helped me a lot!
I was thinking more about this and wonder if finding out what you want, what your bottom line is, would help you feel more grounded and not so at the mercy of what he decides?
I had to smile at Tim's very nicely worded comment about bringing your dad. If he's not one to hold his tongue, maybe you can give him the rest of the caramels NYGal doesn't stuff her mouth with tonight...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter, so funny. I did just attend my 2nd hypnotherapy session today. I think today's was not as good though because I went there following husbands phone call and on very little sleep.
Regarding what I want...
I once joked with JKSD that everything you need to know you learned in kindergarten.
Today I took son to a park with 2 playgrounds. One playground is for the real little ones, which we went to first. I did not like how he was playing with his much younger cousin so I Made him leave and play in the other play ground (which is actually more fun. Has a tire swing and everything) Of course he had a major temper tantrum. He was telling me " this is the worst day ever" and just would not stop crying and kept repeating that he wanted to go back to the other play ground. I told him the little kid play ground is no longer an option and he has two choices. 1. Is to have fun in the new playground 2. Is to keep crying about the old playground.
he kept crying and we just ended up going home, but he is only 5. Of course I related this to my situation and a big part of me wanted to provide some divine intervention because I know how bad it feels and take him back to the old park. But I couldn't because then lesson would not be learned.
maybe in some grand scale and scheme of things my situation is really no different then not getting to play in the playground you want to.
So basically I know what I want, it's really a matter of accepting that I can't get what I want.
GAL definatly helps. In fact this past weekend I took a trip and met up with all new friends. (Something I never would have done in past) the fact that I am reaching out and making new friends is a nice 180 for me. I am very greatful for this.
It's when I'm alone with my thoughts that times get difficult. your right though, I do better when I'm busy. Work is a vacation for me because I have no time and my focus is on others.
Was wondering if you don't mind answering a question. Do you think mediation is a "safe" way to go.? I know it is the more amicable. We do not have many assets and our finances have always been separate. Im already getting child support.
I was strongly advised by attorney (and by family members who have no background in any type of law other then judge Judy) that I should litigate. Was told that husband would take advantage of me and that I am not the best at negotiating for myself (very true) the attorney could have just said this because it would be an easy case for him although I am sure he certainky does not need my business.
Any others advise would be appreciated as well. I am going to consult with mediator and if we went that route I would obviously hire a lawyer as well. Just wanted to hear non biased opinions.
As an L I do a lot of mediation in civil cases. My old boss completely destroyed our D mediation process in our area so it no longer exists. For what it is worth, here are my thoughts of mediation...
First of all, not all mediators are created equal. Some are very good and some are a waste. Talk to attorneys and get their read on your perspective mediator.
Second, in my experience there are three types of mediators 1. just want to collect their cash and could careless what happens in the case, 2. those that prep ahead of time and determine a position they feel will be fair and then try to guide the parties to the conclusion they want. Keep in mind this position can be contrary to yours and can be bias on their part by past history and personal/professional interests. Finally, 3. my favorite are those that do not care about how the cases or issues settle, they just want them to settle and will twist arms to make it settle despite any personal biases they may have. With this type of mediator you need to have a strong negotiating style and be honestly willing to walk out. I had a case in front of a federal mediator (he was also a judge) who called me into his office after the case settled and read me the riot act for being greedy and getting my client "much more than he was entitled." He also got mad when I told him I found that to be a compliment.
Third, mediation is negotiation. You must be a strong personality and the process takes advantage of weaker personalities. You cannot go in and 'think' you are strong, you must be strong and willing to walk out. I always tell clients to follow my lead and if I decide to walk out then do not question it just follow, I will explain outside.
I do not know you like your attorney does, so I can only speculate why they may warn against. Maybe they do not feel the mediator is a good one. Maybe they do not perceive you as strong enough to take a hard stance. Maybe they do not see you as flexible enough (in every good settlement both parties walk out equally p1ssed). Maybe they feel the judge you will have will sympathize much more for you. Speak with your L and ask why they think litigation is the way to go. I will say this from years of doing about double the jury trials of most civil litigation attorneys in my area, any attorney who tells you with certainty what the result will be if you litigate is an attorney who is foolish or does not go to court often. Any time you put something in someone elses hands you have a 50/50 chance of getting what you want.
One final note on mediation, you can always walk out and it is still not fruitless because you got somewhat a different perspective on your case because there is yet another set of eyes looking at your case.
I wish you the best of luck JujuB.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
I believe mediation will generally save both of you money. I did some research and the problem is once you get into it, one side often feels they got the short end of the stick and not accept the results. Then they litigate and end up spending the same money anyway. If your finances were separate and you don't have much assets, I would try mediation first if both sides agree. Not sure if spousal support (alimony) applies in your state. That's where my WW got me, it's actually 2.5 times more than the child support I pay her (even though I have 50/50 custody). So you may want to look into that too.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I am not a good negotiator at all. Especially since i feel a bit guilty for relationship demise. My mother was actually getting really upset when I told her I would go for consult with a mediator. She feels my husband has a way of making everyone feel sorry for him and doing what he wants. She is also justifiably mad at how he left walked away from his family and expected her and my father to support us.
Based on a couple of factors, I have to remember to not be a fool...
1. Husband would not give me child support. I asked him twice. Both times we fought. he used my asking for child support as the excuse that we would not go out together for a planned date. (This was really early after BD and I feel like he knew he was in advantage). He insisted that he would only pay if I game him itemized list of my expenditures. He felt that because I lived with my parents, I had no real expenditures. He also lived with his mom and had no expenditures either. I had to take him to court.
2. After he received the petition for court he told me he wanted to attempt a reconciliation. Obviously he never did.
3. While we were waiting to be called into court room, he was unaware that I had talked to attorney and knew what the laws were. He was acting like dividing extra expenditures like kids activities would be 50/50 and I knew the truth. He was talking like a con artist which really surprised me.
4. He went 4 months paying very little. No where near the percent required. i would estimate about 200/month if that. He earns 3 figures. judge had made error in his loss for 200 $. When we were in court room, he called her on it to correct it. I complained that he had not paid for all those other months and now he's fighting me over 200 dollars (which I knew did not matter, I just was annoyed) and then he got mad at me and said the fact that I brought that up makes it hard for him to want to reconcile.
5. He is very nice and cooperative when he wants something. (I hate people like that. Would rather they be nasty all the time). He was super nice before he asked me to file taxes jointly. (He is supposed to pay me what I would have received back). He was not cooperative when I asked him for favor with bringing son back later. Now he is very cooperative again regarding watching son when I am at work and my parents are vacationing.
6. 6 months before BD he was putting a lot of pressure for me to return to work full time. He was really nasty about it. Told me to "figure it out. Other people do it" when it was logistically disadvantageous. past year he was telling me if we were to reconcile I would have to work full time.
7. He lived with my parents for a year and had potential to save a lot of money. He says he did not. He refused to move out in apt to work on our marriage (we could have afforded it) unless I went back to work full time. lawyer thinks he had this planned for a while. I don't necessarily think that's true, but I think he was really with one foot out the door and had to have thought about the legal advantage.
