GAL going well. Need help with LRT and 180

[bigybiz]

Sandi2 - thanks for the input it was awesome. You have a real gift.

I was rereading DR and I thought it might be a good idea to share my wants/goal with everyone to see if I'm on track.

Maybe my wants/goals are too broad, too specific, etc, etc,

Need to hear your comments -


1. I want W to move to share the bedroom with me
2. I want her to spend time with me - talking, sharing, planning,
3. I would like us to be able to work together, compromise, share, etc
4. I would like W to make our relationship and family her #1 priority and her interests/Work 2nd
5. I would like us to be a couple do things together, make friends, go to church, etc - Other common interests - business, politics, technology, music, tv, movies, etc
6. I would like to have a physical, affectionate, sexual relationship
7. I would like W to take part in our family activities - sports, church, etc

[roist]

They are good goals but to me they seem mostly to be the end result.You need smaller shorter term goals to focus on. These need to be specific and measurable. Reread the chapter especially the part about how to detail your goals.

[bigybiz]

Thanks Roist.

I will reread the chapter - but do you mean something like:

We will talk everyday for 15min about - our home, kids, money, etc?

[sandi2]

1. I want W to move to share the bedroom with me
2. I want her to spend time with me - talking, sharing, planning,
3. I would like us to be able to work together, compromise, share, etc
4. I would like W to make our relationship and family her #1 priority and her interests/Work 2nd
5. I would like us to be a couple do things together, make friends, go to church, etc - Other common interests - business, politics, technology, music, tv, movies, etc
6. I would like to have a physical, affectionate, sexual relationship
7. I would like W to take part in our family activities - sports, church, etc

I see these being your "wants". This is how you see a healed MR. How can you turn them into goals, since they involved another person's volition?

[bigybiz]

Sandi2 - thanks for the comment. I will reread the chapter and repost some goals.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2 and Others:

How is this for a sample of goal for me.

I'd like "name" to spend less time on her computer/phone/online and more time with me everyday, watching TV, talking, working together. This week 1/2 an hour a day, next week 40 min, eventually 2 hours a night.

[sandi2]

You are making goals about her actions. You can't control what she does or doesn't do. Make goals about what you can do, not her.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2- Thanks - Hmm I'll try again. Stay tuned.

Do you have some examples you could share?

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

I reread the DR section on setting goals. I may be reading it wrong. It seems that one of the themes of the section is "what are small signs your relationship is moving in the right direction" Are those not the goals I should be setting?

I think I've been meeting my own personal development goals.

My exercise is off the chart, Work is going good, I'm decluttering the house, 'm trying to be out once during the week and once on the weekend, I'm killing it on the house projects (she finally broke her silence and noticed) I'm spending lots of time with each of the kids and as a collective. I'm doing a few things that are different for me. I bought a new "modern" suit, buying a (used) motorcycle - I'll have it next month, Next week I'm going to do something crazy/new to my hair.

I've been dealing with her differently too:

When I speak to her I look her square in the eye

I cut convos short

I don't talk to her if she is being testy, etc.

I don't ask her permission for anything - e.g. I'm doing this any issues?

My ultimate goal - sorry I stole this from another post is:

To be such an attractive man that no woman would want to leave me.

So what are reasonable goals that can move my relationship from In house Sep to a loving marriage?

[Rose888]

I'm curious to see what the more experienced posters say, because the goal section confused me a bit too.

It seems to me that many of the examples in the chapter work only in situations in which the two partners are setting goals together.

You can't set goals for another person.

My husband is not currently willing to work on the marriage. I could DB perfectly, and he could still decide to leave the marriage. And frankly, looking for signs that he is leaning toward staying or leaving is making it more difficult for me to establish any degree of emotional detachment.

Right now, my goals are all about me and my responses to specific situations. The small signs I look for are limited to how H reacts to my changed responses--does it reduce conflict and keep us from going down cheeseless tunnels?

Now, I'll wait to hear from those with more experience. :-)