I am content, that is a blessing.......

[mleigh4]

Thank you for your input Twinmom.

Sotto, I know texting is not the best way to communicate. Unfortunately, it's the only way H opens up. Face to face, I get mostly silence or just "I don't know" I also like it because I too am horrible at expressing myself face to face. Sadly, this works ok for me. I think this is my time, to see what I can get from him, what he is willing to admit. I know I am fed up with limbo. I know I am tired of having this left to be my choice to figure out, something I never wanted. I know I don't want to live like this much longer. I know I can't keep being sweet and nice with H while he continues to keep me in the dark. The longer this goes, the less I respect him or even like him. I love him, but that comes from our pre BD life. I am furious that he continues to hound me with stupid crap while there is a very big picture to be dealt with here, not whether S wears jimmies to bed or not.

I don't even know if this is MLC he is going through. For all I know, he is just a selfish jerk. Yes, I see many signs of depression, but if he refuses to get help, I see him not changing. Maybe he just simply is unhappy with me? Maybe he realizes he is not a family guy, that he wants to be alone? My mother did. Maybe I just want to believe this is MLC to make myself feel better. Maybe I want to push him to say he is done, so this can stop and I can, for once and for all, let go, heal and move on. I am not the type of person who can do that while still holding onto hope. I envy you who had the decision made for you instead of having to live with the choice, and I don't mean that in a mean way, I wish none of you had to go through that.

I also believe, MLC or not, you must have a trait, an ability, to treat someone who loves you so terribly. I don't think it goes away. Do I want to stay married to someone like that???

I once again, staying on track to be honest, laid it out with him. My message:

First off, thank you for sharing all of that. No seriously, I am glad you are opening up. We definitely see this differently, there is no doubt about that. When you moved out, it was against my wishes but what you felt you needed to do instead of counseling. Understandable. You told me you were confused, not sure about our marriage, and needed some space and time to think and figure things out. I have given you that, yes? You have not spoken to me once about how that is going for you, not in 15 months. I, thinking you may be dealing with some depression issues, have been the good wife. Patient, not pushing you, leaving you alone. I have done my best to be kind, to support you, to keep things light, open my door to you, invite you on vacations, spend family time for S, all of this for S, all while under a giant weight of pain, confusion and uncertainty. If I am wrong about what this is about, please let me know and fill me in because I have not been doing this for nothing. I have been doing this to try and save my marriage. It is severely broken and I am willing to do what I can, to know I tried everything, but I don't want to waste my time if that is what I am doing here? I need to know, this has been going on for 3 years, it can't keep going on like this.