I love change. I love growth. I have very little patience, but gaining more with my S each day. I'm finding it easier to detach, relapsed this morning tho... I'm finding it easier to let go everyday, and believe with her out of the M it may just be the wake up that i need to fully let go.
I have not settled on the D, but I have to plan for the worst case scenario. To not do so would be foolish? To have blind faith that she will lose her waywardness would also be foolish?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
- Our MC was manipulated in seeing nothing wrong with my WWs behaviour. Going to use a different dr for IC. - WW still says that she cannot trust herself, thats why she wants out of the marriage, and will visit the OP when he comes to the city even though "he is not interested" in her, they're just friends. LOL - WW does not want to go for IC, but i am going. - I gave no hugs to my WW, even though about 4 or 5 were requested from her.
I am calm, I am in control and I know what i want from my life.
-I think you guys have a bad MC. Especially since she said there's no hope for couples counseling... what kind of counselor says that?? -WW doesn't trust herself because she's falling for someone else. She's clearly in an EA. In my experience/opinion, an EA is far worse than a PA. But they are both horrible. -WW not seeking out IC is a huge red flag. She doesn't want to change herself. -Good for you to stop physical contact. Are you still having sex with her?
What is it that you want from your life? Are you trying to save your marriage? Or are you walking away?
I believe with her out of the M it may just be the wake up that i need to fully let go.
I think youre continuing to misunderstand my point.
The DR book lays out the steps for DBing. The first step is to review your marriage with a beginner's mind. I take that to mean really looking at the marriage from different vantage points. You are very focused on your perception of things..."WW needs to stop trying to taunt me to get a reaction", "WW just started again with blaming me", "In order to play the victim with Dr", "we were throwing too many daggers", "Wow, at least i was not asinine like her!" and so on.
Have you tried looking at your marriage from a bird's eye view? How about from her vantage point? Then how do things look? What kinds of failures and issues can you see in you? in your interactions with her?
Step 2 is about setting goals. Figuring out what you want. Where you want things to go. Your actions and words should be framed as a way of getting toward your goal(s). Before doing something, you need to consider "is this getting me closer to or farther from my goal?" If it's taking you farther, then there is no point in doing it. Thats why I was so against you filing - if you dont have your goals mapped out, how can you determine if such an important decision is making you progress?
I think you are absorbing a lot from this forum. I am nervous, because I see you applying it in a scattershot and emotional way. I continue to implore you to really step back and consider things logically. I believe you will have more impact than in trying to "calm your gut".
@dream, she was definitely a bad MC, but we never really made it easier for her. I was really bad. I do think that an EA is bad, but i hope to never find out how a PA feels. She spoke this evening about going to counselling, as a step to improve herself. I'm still very detached. Well i'm trying to stop that type of contact, not alot of trying if i must say...
She's starting to become less selfish, asking me what i want. She's even serenading me with music. She's not attached to her phone anymore. But don't get me wrong, this is only 3 days in since i started detaching and i have a feeling that i will need to detach for many months before her and I will be able to continue as a married couple.
@darknes, I heed your warning (and appreciate it immensely, as with everyone else) and I take all advice that i can and make what i feel is an informed decision. Last week Thursday, she wanted to reconcile, but Sandi said that it's too early. I needed to place her deeper into the fog and i asked for a separation friday morning first thing. And dont you know it, she was TMing the OP. She came out a bit on Sunday and is slowly becoming less foggy.
I'm really biding time until I get the book and will implement all that i can. I believe that I have to test how deep in the fog she is, throw her back in if i have to. She asked me if i'm playing games, sometimes i'm hot, sometimes i'm cold. I said, unlike you, i'm not playing a game - this is my life.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
As for what i did wrong in our marriage, I know what I did, I did it everyday but i never realised the impact it would have...
1 - My W loved attention, she craved it and i gave it in abundance in the first 4 years, she was a size 6, but went all the way to a size 12 by the time we got married. I even commented on her weight on our honeymoon cruise. I could not look at her body - she was not perfect anymore. I am shallow. Many guys would comment at how great she looked, why couldn't her H appreciate her for her?
2 - Part of the attention was her just talking and rambling on about nothing. I used to listen attentively and loved the nonsense, since i'm highly analytical. Then i got tired, when i got into bed, i rolled over and went to sleep. She loved talking before going to sleep. i just didn't care.
3 - I see myself as an over-achiever, big ego, and have a wife that just wants to achieve, smaller ego. But i created a monster by trying to elevate her to my level, instead of letting her be herself. i wanted someone else, and lost my respect for her. Why can't she be like me, have a plan, do something with her life? But that's me. My W is a simple girl from a rural area, thats why i fell in love with her - she was my exact opposite (i'm tearing up as i type this).
4 - I consciously kept her insecure from day 1. Always commenting on how pretty other girls are. Thinking that if she thought i'd leave, she'd hold on tighter. It definitely worked, until she realised that she could hold onto someone else, and did not need me.
This is the first time that i have consciously stated what i've always been thinking.
I don't want to lose my WW / W, i want her back, but I am willing to lose her as a last resort, in an attempt to get her back!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I made some lists as well.. None of us are perfect and no marriages are perfect. You are doing well to look at your self and your own flaws. There are more, keep looking. Just remember that while these are what you are seeing as your failures, they may not have even been the big players in the failure of your M. You seeing them is you identifying things you want to work on for you. That is progress and personal growth. I would not share these with her.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
yeah Ralph, i have alot more introspection to do, hopefully I can sort myself out with IC. I am looking forward to being a better me and guess those are my reasons. We are not at a stage to discuss what went wrong yet, maybe in a few months time.
Too much healing needed now, and she may still be in a bit of fog as i sense some remorse but still very little accountability. Maybe i need to stand up first. But not now.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
