Starsky! Where is that guy? His word was my bible through many, many hard months. Thank you to him and all the vets! Hopefully I can pay a little back.
OFP, great question! And only you know the answer to that. But then again, you may not, because your feelings change all the time. And guess what? So do theirs. Some days I wanted pure revenge--I wanted him to come back just so I could be the one hurting him. Other days I just missed him. Some days I didnt know what I was. And occasionally I allowed myself to not think about him all the time and just live my life. I should have had more days like that. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, but it's too late for me now.
My H was just as much on his own rollercoaster while he was off in LaLa Land. I wasted hours and hours a day of my mental energy into trying to figure out what he was doing and why. So, now that we have pretty much talked about everything, I am here to tell you that it doesn't work. Sure, I was right, but only about half the time! 50-50. Sometimes he missed me, sometimes he was just angry, often he felt guilty, and other days he just figured he blew it and I would never truly forgive him anyhow.
Because I was all over the map--some days crying and begging, some days ignoring him, and then those good DB days where I was cordial but distant--he never knew what to expect from me. So he assumed that I only wanted him back for revenge. He thought I just wanted him back and then I wouldn't be able to forgive him. So what did he do? He stayed with the A because she was the one person that accepted him and "made" him feel good about himself.
Well, we all know that that feeling is short lived. And the same issues we had came up in their R. That was his lightbulb moment. He realized he couldn't rewrite history and blame me because he was just as unhappy without me. He was actually miserable and guilt ridden for all the people he was hurting. And this realization had nothing to do with me and my mind reading.
They are on their own journey and we cannot control it! We also deserve better than to sit around and wait for them. Live your life. Take care of #1. YOU!
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
