I just realized that my thread title makes no sense. Ha! What it should say is "WAS back," because I was the LBS and never actually went anywhere! ... Although I do think about it now to be honest. This piecing business is no joke.
When I read through these threads, my heart aches for all of you. I was exactly in the same place! I still have so much PTSD from that year that H was off having his A. I felt anxious, depressed, and sick all the time. My poor kids had a shell of a mom that year and were in limbo too. It's so hard to forgive someone and let them back in after they have tortured you. I've been through all the steps, books, therapy, I do love him, I do want this to work, but there is a huge BUT.... but I do not love him and respect him the way I used to.
So why am I telling you all of this? Because during that year, I read these boards often, but I did not DB. I read but did not follow. I did not take the focus off of him and really work on myself! Each time I blew it, I pushed him further away. More importantly, I am still so wounded! I can't keep beating myself up over it, but I can now, start to focus more on my own happiness, what I want, and really learn to take care of myself. Him coming back did not "fix me." And it is very hard to piece when you have this level of hurt/resentment.
I see all of you focusing on every move your spouse makes and trying to read into every interaction, text, what they are doing and why, and I am telling you, it doesn't matter as much as you think!!! They are struggling and wounded as much as you are. You don't have to torture yourself. You are in crisis mode so trust others, that this is not healthy and not productive.
Be kind to yourself! And think of what you would tell a friend. Do you really want this person back as they are? Until they show you they are committed to you, are remorseful, and willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage, then the answer is quite simple. NO! You do not.
So please trust me--I have come out on the other side--analyzing their every move will not bring them back, and it may push them further away. It tortures you and your self esteem also. So take the focus OFF of them and take care of the person that matters most. YOU!
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
