Jjb, I know how it is like to feel down. And I have been through the 'I feel like everything is doomed right from the start.' In fact, I am still going through it.
At some point in time, self preservation has to kick in. We may never be able to totally not slide into the valleys but we can find ways to get out from them.
Jjb, what helps you to get out from the valley? I find that a little of what V calls the white anger helps. I know I am not that bad a person. I know that I have things to offer to the world. Life svcks right now but I am going to make it svck less cuz no one else is going to do it for me.
What would help to make things svck less now for you? For me, it's getting a grip on my housing sitch. I may grow old and lonely but at least I'll grow old and lonely with a roof over my head.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thank you zues, painter, Texas hubby and JKSD for your very insightful posts. I have been reading and rereading now that I am in a much better place. I Still Need to think over some more before responding. To be honest, I am not sure what I am feeling.
I was really emotional a few days ago. Went on a road trip and literally cried the entire drive there. Presently, I am feeling a bit more at peace and to be honest, somewhat numb.
It seems like the limbo period is nearing an end and I don't know what to think.
My husband is right. We did not have a good marriage. Neither of our needs were being met. Neither of us knew anything about relationships. We married because we were together for so long it was time and neither of us had a reason to really break things off. When I "score keep" I have so many justifications to just move forward. But the truth is, I was very unhappy. We had nothing in common. We did not have intimate conversations. We did everything separatly. We did not function as a team because we never really were one. (I am not villifying, I am saying how are relationship actually was)
I cannot even envision a happy marriage with my husband. We are unlike a lot of the couples here because we never had that intimate relationship to remember and return to. After our wedding was over, we had an after party with friends at the hotel. I remember hanging out in hot tub with my best friend while he was hanging out with his friends that traveled a long way to come. We didn't even sleep together on our wedding night.
But the truth is, if husband wanted to work on the marriage I still would and I really don't know why. I think maybe in actuality it's because he has more strength to actually be able to let go?
Juju, I'm glad that you are feeling a little better today. The emotions come and go - but tears release stress hormones so it's not a bad thing to have a good cry. It's bad when you feel like you can't breathe anymore, though - done a few of those over the last couple of years...
H and I had a really close relationship until the day I moved in. After that, it was like he withdrew. We tried to fulfill our roles without really knowing how to or having discussed it very thoroughly. I had said a lot of stuff and H had nodded, but we didn't really have a real discussion.
If I ever meet anyone that I would like to have a serious relationship with, I will grill them so carefully about *everything*!
I am also willing to work on the relationship. I guess I have faith in people's ability to change and adapt, and a natural optimism combined with tenacity. Especially tenacity. It can work both ways...
In general, it is said that women seem to be better able to live in a difficult emotional situation for a prolonged period of time. Men in general want it to be over with quickly. I'm sure there's tons of examples of this gender division being wrong!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I think it's like the interaction keeps touching emotional bruises. Both parties are so sensitized to the habitual communication problems that we overreact to the other. Everything is blown out of proportion and becomes about unmet needs, 'proof' that there's no love, etc.
This comment is spot on. I have felt like husband prioritized work and chores and mom over family for a very long time and his response touched a nerve. My reaction to this feeling did like wise to husband...who hated my reactions and complaints.
I do feel like this argument was monumental to my situation because it is just a pattern that comes up and comes up and comes up. Husband has now committed to divorce and wants to discuss the how's and when's.
I did a lot of soul searching these past few days. Right now I just feel a bit numb to be honest. I am aware that we both feel our needs went unmet and unheard. I am aware that just as much as I feel he hurt me, he feels the same way about me. I am aware that he does not feel there is anyway to work on it and I really get it. So I am letting it go. Blaming him is not helping me.
I realize that at this point all I can really do is learn how to make coparenting go as smoothly as possible and come to as amicable agreement for all of our sakes. Especially for son. It won't help anyone if we are doing things out of spite. I have to be compassionate but without being a pushover and allowing myself to get taken advantage of financially. I am not sure what is fair and what is not. So will be posting a lot in future.
I am sad and humiliated. I feel like I failed my son. I am not looking forward to the confrontation that will occur with mediation/ litigation. I just want it to be quick. We have been physically separated for almost a year. Prior to that we lived in separate sections of my parents house for almost a year.
I feel like Despite my angry outbursts deep down, I was really living in denial and living with false hope for a while. When I first signed on, Zelda once to,d me something like only very small percent of people on these boards actually save their marriages, but many of them do save themselves.
I am happy for all of the self reflection I would never have done otherwise.
The same way I don't like diagnosing WAS's I don't subscribe to the sour grapes thinking. The loss is what it is, more monumental than anything I can depict. Yes, that stinks, but it is what it is. If you kid yourself about the size of the loss you won't take the right actions to stand for your M.
.
I recognize the monumental loss. I never wanted this for myself or my child. I am the first person in my family (extended included) to be getting divorced and it is not my choice. I hate the pity. I hate the irrationality of it. I hate that I had no awareness. I hate being vilified. But the one thing that stands out is that I have no control. My husband did not want to work on it. or when he did, I just didn't truly listen to him or recognize the signs. i have really been trying the past few years (husband even acknowledged it) but it was too late for husband.
Quote:
Reread my post on power. This "All I was asking" stuff isn't the issue. You can ask. But you can't expect him to behave how you want. And it didn't 'just escalate'. It's how YOU reacted when he didn't do what you asked that escalated things.
You are absolutely right. I was mad, because husband was not doing what I wanted. There would have been no escalation if I had just said ok and kept it to myself. I had been doing a lot of keeping it to myself during the DB process and was growing quite frusturated.
This was a pattern in our relationship. I would ask him for something he would say no. I would criticize and fight would occur. I guess it was a power struggle? I interpreted it as husband being selfish. he interpreted it perhaps as me not meeting his needs? Or really, it is the fact that I have expectations. Which is my issue to deal with.
All I know is, I dread having to communicate wIth husband. I hate needing to ask him for anything. Whenever I do, it escalates like this. It is actually exactly what happened the two times I asked him for child support. me asking husband to keep son extra hours actually is not much of a favor because husband is currently taking him less then he should be.
Quote:
Let me ask one question...what would it mean if it was all you? What if it is your fault? Why would that be the end of the world?
. It would be awful, because it would mean I single handedly hurt someone I loved and committed to. I understand it was not something I intentionally did. But i often feel a lot of guilt. I know that it is never one person.
[/quote] But when it comes to leaving the house, deciding what to do FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, now is when you really decide what you are made of. Can you stick to the road when things get tough? Detach, no expectations, and 180s are critical right now. The more distance you can put between yourself and your expectations and poor behavior, the better you'll feel. Time to regroup and start again. You can do it J. [/quote]
i don't really have an other choice, now do I ? . At this point though, it is more about being able to coparent. Husband does not want to work on marriage and I am accepting that.
Pyrite once said something to me like "open to reconciliation but not waiting". Almost a year later and this is where I am right now. I guess I'm a slow learner. I am moving forward with my life and really just focusing on what I do have right now, which is actually pretty good.
I am about to get a divorce and my best friend is getting married this summer. (My guess is right around the same time we end up mediating or litigating) I am truly happy for her and Believe it or not helping her plan is actually a fun distraction for me, despite the irony of it
Today, She asked me to write the maid of honor speech. (I am not the maid of honor). This is kind of a tough one for me. Was thinking of writing something about how friendship is the foundation for a happy marriage and then leading into what a wonderful friend she is to everyone, but not really sure. Will have to do lots of brainstorming. I haven't even googled speeches yet so it's very preliminary.
I am flattered that she asked me despite my situation.
I have been thinking a lot about it and deep down I still have faith in marriage. I think my friend will have a successful one. My parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents have successful marriages. I hope to one day have a successful marriage.
I think I didn't understand what was necessary to make a marriage successful. I took a lot of it for granted. i took my husband for granted. I went into it just thinking things would work itself out. I went in it being unprepared for it not succeeding. I just thought, "we are married. Everything is secure" and I became very lazy. husband is right when he says he was put last.
I don't know if it's because we were two people that should not have been married or if it's because we were young and inexperienced and just were not prepared. Probably a mixture of both.
Would it be the same with someone else? Would me doing everything "right" next time around be enough? What's to prevent next person from having a mlc or affair? Last time I was single I was in my early 20s. I'll be 40 in a few years and now I have to navigate this as someone older and less desirable. Ok. Im getting way too negative again. Thank god I have a second hypnotherapy session tomorrow.
Sorry for the rambling and what turned into some very anxious thiughts. Good night all!
I always love your questions and I am back on here with insomnia.
" There are quite a few things going on here and I can't grasp the core of it"
Probably because I can't either . As you know, I have been in limbo for a while now. Husband wouldn't commit to divorce or to reconciliation. Well, last week we got into argument and he just committed to divorce. So in a way, it's like another BD. even though it was so obvious to everyone. At the same time, I feel ready. i am tired of trying to convince him to stay married. This time though I am feeling more guilt and numbness.
I think its very fair to say that I played a decent role in the breakdown of the marriage. I am trying to come to terms with it. I think it is a very honest reflection. It is hard to accept, because a lot of it was avoidable.
The ones I am likely to repeat: 1. My reactions. Instead of just accepting, I make comments or argue in a way that just leads to conflict. it is resolvable if I Could learn to communicate appropriately when I feel I am being treated unfairly. It is a communication issue. I let my anger over other issues build up because I do not want to deal with the confrontation and then the passive aggressive responses come out.
Way to resolve this: assert boundaries early on before it gets emotional? Even more difficult for me now because I dread having to talk to husband.
Ones I won't likely repeat.
1. Quite frankly, I ignored husband requests. For example, Husband would always ask me to dress up. He would compliment me and tell me all the reasons I should dress up. I just felt like I didn't need to try anymore. That must have felt bad for my Husband. Husband communicated with me some of his other needs and opinions which were very reasonable (kid parties, not spending money on piano lessons for a 4 year old ). , and I just didn't hear him out. I did what I wanted.
2. I ignored his needs. he made a big deal when I cleaned or did him a favor (positive reinforcement) and I did not do this enough for him. At the same time, I spent hours making fancy cupcakes and albums to give to preschool teachers. Totally ridiculous in hindsight.
3. I focused too much on the things that bothered me about husband (lateness and sleeping late and not spending time with us ) which led to resentment instead of things that he really did well. I think had I focused on the positive, it probably would have encouraged him to respond differently to my needs.
It's funny, the bottom 3, ones that I won't repeat are the ones that I actually long to do now... (Work together as a team unit, meet needs, and provide positive support) I feel bad that he did not get this. I feel for my husband. for him to walk out, he had to have been miserable too.
It's so late. I hope this is organized and making sense. Vanilla thank you. Any thoughts from you are always appreciated.
Vanilla, I'm actually wrong. I keep repeating #3 throughout this entire process. I am trying to get my my negative thoughts about husband out of head. I think it's a bit of a habit and a way for me to get through by villifying instead of accepting loss?
Ugh. Husband just called. He Was very civil and professional. Wanted to discuss setting up date for mediation consult. My heart Pounds every time I have to talk with him. and now I'm crying again. I am just beyond hurt that he can do this so easily and it's all justified in his mind too.
Our marriage fell apart long ago. He walked out of this marriage long ago. So why does this call hurt so much? I Think it was his coolness and detachment and the way that he just knows he's making the right decision. He gets to control everything.
I need to escape this mind frame.
Am I allowed to bring my father to a mediation consult with me? Or does that make me look totally immature?
.