New Couple, Same Old Story 2

[Ralph88]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2647848#Post2647848


Take two.

[Ralph88]

I've had the last few months to think about my issues in the R, and for a long time. After the BD I took all the responsibility and that wasn't healthy. Since that time, I have been working through this process and I can say that I did have some part in the failure of the M.

1. I didn't handle my W emotions/feelings properly as they were her reality. Most of the time I would either try to rescue or fix what I felt was causing her to have the feelings or emotions. At times I would challenge her feelings or discredit them thinking that they were not reality. I now know that I should have empathized, validated or at a minimum acknowledged her feeling and NEVER challenged them. I take responsibility for my actions.
2. I ran from some arguments or discussions. I'm not saying that I ran at the word of an argument. But many times, I felt that I could only handle a fight for 30-60 minutes, then would sometimes shut down. I also would ask my W to limit the argument to one topic, as they would sometimes just blow into full arguments about 10 things. I take responsibility for my actions.
3. I didn't initiate change or action that nurtured the R. I (not only person) allowed the R to become stagnant, and didn't keep up with the changing R. I also didn't lead us to healthy ongoing and regular discussions and activities that would have promoted keeping the Love Alive. I take responsibility for my actions.
4. I let my pride get in the way. I'm not saying I should have been a door mat, but there were opportunities where I didn't have to be right. I could have swallowed my pride and let Love win. I take responsibility for my actions.
5. I took some of my Ws roles. I didn't intend to, but I did. I thought helping with W chores or responsibilities was being helpful, but it may have made her feel like less of a woman, mother, lover, wife. I take responsibility for my actions.

There's more, but these are the top 5 that I think damaged my R from my perspective.

[Ralph88]

I'm still here you all. I'm making it day by day. I'm working on me, gym, running now, registered for summer college classes, reading, developing a way better relationship with my Ds. Reading everything everyone is posting. Going to re-read DR.

[Ralph88]

My wife has sent me an email about communication counciling but only for the purpose of being better co-parents. She was completely overboard in referencing for the kids and repeatedly referenced easiest path for both of us (seperate lives). How do I respond and do I sign up for this?

My state already has a parenting class requirement. I have been darkish with her, but always respond about kids. I believe this may be an attempt to fulfill her fantasy of leaving me and hurting the kids but trying to be friends for the kids.

[tjcran]

Ralph88,

I haven't read your entire story yet as I just started with Take 2. But, I wanted to chime in and just offer encouragement from afar. I can tell you are hurting and it is difficult to sort everything out in order to do the right thing. It is hard and will continue to be hard, but doing what you are doing - carefully contemplating things and seeking advice - is the way to go.
Hang in there.

[LiM]

Ralph,

So sorry that you are here and that you had to discover the PA earlier this month. I know how devastating that is.
But I'd also like to say that I think you are doing a FANTASTIC job. Strong work on rooting out your faults in the R. You know what you need to work on and those are things you need to fix whether you are married or not.
Continue DB'ing. It can work to save your M if that's what you want.
There is lots of good advice here. Pay attention anytime TxHubby or Sandi says something to you.

In your last thread, you asked about how you fix being emotional disconnected when you are LRT. To do that, you emotionally connect with other people. Your WW will notice. I started reaching out to other family, friends and worked on my relationship with my D's. I guarantee you that she noticed. She told me that she did. While the A was active, it wasn't enough to get her to change her wayward lifestyle. But once she started coming out of the fog, it helped her to see that I was not the person she made me out to be. I was not the evil person she turned me into so that she could justify the A in her mind.

[Ralph88]

Thanks for the support. Regarding the communication counciling, I'll just think about it for a day or so. Maybe someone else will chime in. To be honest, I think I still want to save my marriage, but I care a little less if I'm alone in the long run.

[LiM]

To be honest, I think I still want to save my marriage, but I care a little less if I'm alone in the long run.

Thats a good step Ralph. By being able to not care, you are detaching and your emotional state won't be controlled by her words or actions. Focus on you and your needs. Work on being awesome in every way. It will make you feel better about yourself and the side effect is that it will be attractive to her.

[BluWave]

Ralph, I haven't read your prior thread, but I just wanted to chime in. I agree with what Lim is saying.

Often times the LBS is feeling weak and vulnerable and so they are not sure how to "act." They start trying to act in a way that may win their spouse back. That is the opposite of detachment.

That is why I think you absolutely invest in yourself and your relationship with others, specifically the kids. It's not about ignoring W, playing games, or proving a point. It is about being the best man and dad you can be and investing stock in your own future with or without her. You can continue to communicate with her about kids and logistics, but do not pursue her or talk about R.

You come out ahead if you can do this. Because as time goes on you will gain more self confidence, you will feel better, and you will be a better dad. If she still doesn't want you down the road, well then you really don't want her either--you deserve a woman that understands you and appreciates you.

Detach, be the best you can be, and be respectful of her, but allow your own space and time. You deserve that.

[LiM]

Thank you for coming back to the forums BluWave. Your story is valuable to those of us in the middle of everything. Please keep sharing.